PAUL DAVIS, ENTS OFFICER, UCD

Whizz, Rock 'n' Roll animals . . . snacked out kids . . . Hump Hump . . . bass beat boss drum and dancing your ass off. Well maybe - more beating boss drum than smacked out rock 'n' roll animals (that was the 1970's college kids). 1990's college kids are still pretty crazy and that's why we arrange the most excellent mayhem and psychosis to drown in. Sometimes it is advisable to wear a crash helmet into college for the first few days so that we don't have too many heads getting blown off. This, however is not compulsory.

The most important thing to remember coming to college is to come for the right reasons - being mainly to have a good time. To love, baby. To live, and to reach real high and kiss that sky (thank you Jimi). As long as you steer well clear of lectures, for a while anyway, you really can get inspired. You might even end up in a rock 'n' roll band, with your friends chucking (empty) bottles at you - a wonderful experience not to be missed.

College is where you will come across and fall in love with the craziest freaks floating in the outer cosmos, all rammed together in one squashed rectangle (the bar). This is the epicentre of your life as a student, so find out where it is, and get there early and leave late. And it's true, it doesn't matter who you are - if you're a social retard or a loud mouth yob, nobody gives a shit, as long as you're there (we're all here mon). Exactly.

The mindless creatures crawling the walls are not actually all that sad, and you'll probably find yourself in their position soon at the Freshers' Ball in fact. So get to know them, but keep an eye on the planetary movements - these are of extreme importance. And try not to be too nasty to the babbling loonies that try to suck you into their version of hypereality - they really don't mean it.

Anything you want to do or be can be here so do it. Don't be put off. During Fresher's Week thousands of freaks will try to persuade you that you're just like them so you should join their club or society. Make up your own mind, if you have one. But most important is to go to all the gigs as this is where it really happens. Again the trick is to do your own thing. As Sister Jo Huggy Bear triumphantly extorts: "We did all this without the help of the male-dominated rock music press!" and so can you.

The real truth is that school's out kids, so no more nonsense for you. In college there are no teachers, no assholes you need to take seriously. You can like your life, but remember you need to survive. This means passing your exams (oooh that awful word). But don't get freaked out, it will happen it you want it to, so let it.

After a few weeks of drowning in the pools of free beer, wonderful free gigs, clubs, and amazing extras, and the odd levitation to the heights of pure true white light insight, you may find yourself feeling a little despondent. The best cure for this is to get involved in something a little constructive - join a band, try being a DJ radio presenter (check out college radio) or producer, write a play or a book or best of all get involved in your Union Ents. (If you don't know what this is, find out fast - it loves you so learn to love it).

If you were fucked up it's never too late to have a happy childhood! Get out there and blow your mind, scorch your brain and I'll see you there.

THIS IS UCC AND YOU'RE WELCOME TO IT

Thomas O'Connor, ENTS Officer, UCC

So, here you are in College at last! Wow! And what an exciting first week it must be. Already you've stood in an endless queue to get photographed, fingerprinted, strip-searched, robbed, beaten, and somewhere along the way given an ID card. (What a pathetic photo!) But you still have a long way to go before being accepted as one of the family here at good old UCC (or another faceless number in the repressive impersonal fascist institution, as we like to think of it.)

The first thing you must learn is the language. Long words are a bit of a bore, so as a general rule, things are reduced to their first syllable. Take faculties for example: 'Med', 'Dent', 'Sci'; or buildings such as the 'Mini', 'Lib', 'Sci Build' and places such as the 'Quad', 'Aula', 'Cit Cen' and 'Hell'. So, basically a Sci stud might run down to the cit cen to pur a ref pad for his lect back in coll. I think you get the picture.

Societies too suffer this same fate. Not being sent down town, that is, but rather a shortening of name, e.g. 'Philosoph' has now become 'phil', 'The Wargaming and Roleplaying Society' has thankfully been reduced to simply 'The Wargaming and Roleplaying Societ', and 'The Lesbian and Gay Support', who at one time called themselves 'The Queer Society', then 'The Feeling Slightly Ill or Faint; something out of the usual; something ironically funny; a homosexual (slang); see also odd, quirky, daft Society', have once again reverted to their original name if not original purpose. But you'll learn more about clubs and societies on the aptly named Clubs and Societies days, where you get the wonderful opportunity of signing your way into the power corridors of the college cliques.

Oh my God! What are you wearing! I'm afraid the golden rule of coming to College is to throw away all the clothes you ever had, and 'get with' the college image. We're talking seriously trendy. This year's image (as voted upon by the Students Union) is of a southern French peasant. Unfortunately, for those of you with blue eyes, this means getting contact lenses, or jabbing your iris with a felt-tipped pen. Clothes must be baggy, and if possible, torn.

A huge advantage is to have someone vomit all over you to give it that authentic lived-in look. Short greasy hair is a must - which will prove a relief to all of you starting out in Commerce. No more wash and go! Speaking of going, don't forget to check out all the college toilets. Not that there's anything particularly interesting about any of them, but it will give you a general idea of the standards we aim for here. I promise not even to mention cottaging.

Hanging around is an essential part of any students life. The best places to do this are in the 'Main', the 'Mini' and 'Kampus' (yes, with a 'k'). Now I know the names are a bit tough but so are the sausage rolls. Maybe by the end of the year you'll have managed to digest both. Anyway, back to "hanging around". To facilitate this, special arm and leg slings have been strategically placed around the College, so you can enjoy a good chat, a cold cup of tea or coffee, and that unmistakable sensation of having all of the blood go to your head.

Which brings me neatly onto the subject of sex. Now, being only first years you're obviously not obsessed with sex yet. Hell maybe you are, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But if not, this is a good way to stay. Pure and catholic. It's all far more trouble than it's worth anyway. But you'll discover all about that when you eventually hit puberty. When you do, don't forget to write and tell us. Enclose a photo if you want.

This paragraph concerns study, books, work, exams, results and has been edited out in order to give you something to work out on your own. This is university now you know. Mother isn't here to see that you do your homework, or to read out the 'How to Get on Well in College' section of The Irish Times. You 've got to stand on your own two feet. You've got to endure harrowing new experiences, eating in the Main Rest, finding a book in the library, actually getting out of bed in the mornings.

So I won't give you any advice, because let's face it, you're all too busy making new friends, sorting out your timetable, looking around for a life-long faithful partner and discovering which is the best drawer to keep your socks in, to even bother having the time for the run-of-the-mill college things, like The Gazette.

CIARAN O'NEILL, Ents Officer, University of Ulster

The Scene: (Somewhere in the uni-bar, in a dark corner, plagued with bloody Elvis songs on the music machine and awful bad fuckin' beer.)

Yes! That is where student life begins and will either end before it's supposed to or, if you're lucky enough, you might, just might, even get your degree.

Yeah!! It's fuckin' brilliant to be back; back to the old routine of drink, eat a sandwich, drink, go to sleep in the union toilets, put shite songs on the 'jukey', dropping your trousers on the dancefloor and, of course, what would we do without drink?

On that subject I'll let my two friends, Jody and Checky, from the Uni-bar talk for a . . . few pounds to buy two more pints of Buckfast.

Jody: Excuse me young man but may I say you have a lovely smile . . .

Checky: What do you want?

J: Don't you have a lecture now?

Ch: Do you mean to say there's a university at this bar. I'm outta here!

Yes! No-one goes to lectures. Instead they go to the pub and leave at about 2am and go to the local "chinkies" and shout abuse at the poor Irish sod behind the counter who just so happens to not be able to understand your pronunciation of some Chinese phrases.

Then you go frantically looking for one of four things.

1. Another carry out to last you to 6am - at least (The reasoning here is if you go to bed you probably will find it difficult to get up for your drinking session the next day).

2. Try and find a man or a woman or generally anything that resembles either of the above.

3. Go and find a party in someone's house other than your own (The reasoning here is so that you can wreck their house and steal their food).

or 4. Finally, try, if possible, to find your own house. If you can't, sleep at the bus depot or in a telephone box (Reasoning: So you can grab a bus into your lecture or phone for a taxi. Lecture? - Are you mad?)

So if you finally do make it home, after you've realised there is no milk, bread or hot water, clamber through the empty beer cans and go to bed!

If you are still awake and have some money left in your grant after the first week, enjoy your university life.

If not, get a loan and do it all over again.

LORRAINE GLENDENNING, Ents Officer, DCU.

So you want to be a student? Keeping in mind the knowledge that Freshers are recognised by the immense effort they put into being one, here are some dos, don'ts and never evers from the Rolf Harris Appreciation Society aka DCU Ents crew.

SEX

Do look through his/her wallet to check the ID card if you can't remember the name of the person you've woken up with. Don't volunteer to lie in the wet patch - he/she won't respect you for it. Do remember to tie the kangaroo down first. Don't say "my father has" and "acres" in the same sentence. Never, ever, be so desperately out of condoms as to try cling film.

DRUGS

Do accept free substances, liquid or otherwise offered you. Always. Don't offer to roll unless you've practised beforehand. Don't say "put a bit more in" to a fourth year. Don't buy sugar/parsley/Vitamin E. tablets/Oxo cubes/matches wrapped in tin foil. Never, ever, forget you can't fly.

ROCK AND ROLL

Do make up obscure bands to impress your friends. Don't admit you went to the Zooropa gig. Do say lam, DI, box, crew, gig and "Oim with the band, mon" a lot. Don't chat up any band members. Never, ever, play 'Stairway to Heaven' at a party.

finally

Do move out of home, or put a bagful of clothes in your locker every Monday. Don't be a Barry Sinclair volunteer. Do burn that GAA kit bag. Don't drink bottled beer. Never ever try too hard - just be yourself and you'll be a second-year soon.

postscript

Remember that universities are huge money-making operations. Students are what happens when the conferences are over. Lecturers won't remember your name. No-one will notice if you disappear, so long as you've paid your enormous fees. This is the fault of the people who run this country.

The Minister For Education is Niamh Breathnach. You'll see her opening buildings occasionally. You won't see her looking for a seat in the library, queuing for crap food in the canteen, fighting to get your grant cheque by the end of the century, paying exorbitant prices for pints in student bars, hiding text books, craning to see the lecturer or being ripped off by rackrent landlords.

You'll see yourself doing it. And your friends. Remember all of this and register to vote in your university town because elections are held mid-week. Be angry and be vocal about it and maybe one day you'll only have to worry about your street cred. Which is all they think we do now.

Be good!

Ber Angley, ENTS Officer, University of Limerick

"Freedom" is probably the best word to describe going to college for the first time, especially for those who are moving away from home. My first introduction to college was over 13 years ago, when the "happening" acts at the time included bands like U2, The Boomtown Rats, The Undertones, Scullion and Clannad. The college venues at the time differed enormously from now: Galway had Seapoint, Limerick had an old prefab, Cork had the Arcadia. Trinity had the Dining Hall and UCD had the Dining Block.

Now all this has changed! Colleges have gotten much bigger and most of them have bars on campus. One of today's catch phrases is, "beer promotion" and on such nights students very enthusiastically sample the beer on offer. Some can be extra enthusiastic and are later found scattered around the campus!

Upon stepping into college the first people you are most likely to meet are the many clubs and societies representatives all trying to get you to join societies like Music societies, Campus TV, Debating societies, GAA, Hurling, Soccer and Hockey.

You are also likely to come across the Students' Union, who offer a wide range of services; one of the most important being the Welfare Service, with advice on accommodation, contraception and women's affairs. Students' Unions throughout the country continue to improve the range of professional services and advice available to, and required by, the student of the nineties.

Most Students' Unions have an Entertainment Service, offering a wide variety of musical choices from rock, ska, folk and classical music to theatre, and now comedy, a medium which is growing in popularity. The Entertainment Service will get bigger and better if students continue to support the entertainment provided by the Students' Unions. When the word "Ball" is mentioned on the college entertainment calendar it does not necessarily mean a formal occasion, mostly it means "a gig you cannot miss" like the 'Freshers' Ball', 'Hallowe'en Ball', 'Valentine's Ball', and 'Rag Ball'.

In Dublin you can look forward to the 'Trinity Ball' in Trinity College, and in UCD the 'Freshers' Ball' (one of the biggest in the country), while outside the pale there's 'The Bogman's Ball' (during Rag Week) in UCG, while for many the event of the year in UL is 'The Train Trip'. The event of the year in Queen's University 'The May Ball' is definitely worth waiting for, while UCC get ahead of the Possie and hold their 'Rag Week' in December.

Facilities on campus have vastly improved all over the country, although there is still room for improvement on a number of them. DCU have almost doubled in size and have a new Sports Centre, its sister college UL has a new Concert Hall and a new covered pavilion in the courtyard of the Campus club. Waterford RTC celebrated its second year with its new Campus Club, and Limerick RTC has also added a new building.

College/Campus accommodation has vastly improved but is still grossly over-priced for most students' pockets. Many questions can be asked about this. Is there a need to charge between £30 and £40 a week when some commercial operators can offer similar services at a cheaper rate? Who really profits from College/Campus controlled accommodation?

During my years of work on Campus, (University of Limerick) I have visited many other campuses in Ireland, the UK, Holland, the US and France. In visiting these campuses you get an idea of how Irish campuses can improve, and why (in my opinion) there is a need for tougher guidelines with regard to commercial operators operating on campuses in Ireland. In many colleges I visited in the UK, the College or the Students' Union, or a combination of both, operated catering facilities, bars, shops etc. ensuring that money made on campus stayed on campus.

In Ireland the picture looks very different with many commercial operations taking profits outside the campus, and in a time of cutbacks this seems ridiculous. Now we have the situation whereby campuses ask for more tax-payers' money, while those same campuses allow commercial operators to take much needed profits off campus. There needs to be an entire policy change in colleges right across the country, in regard to commercial operators, so that more employment can be created on campuses, thus leading to a general improvement of services on campus.

One area which requires immediate attention is the need for entertainment venues to be built on campuses around the country. These venues should be run in a professional manner by the Students' Unions, not by the colleges themselves. In many cases the few venues now available on campus are under-utilised by students, because in many cases college authorities don't seem to be willing to make these venues available. Colleges in Ireland have huge potential when it comes to improving facilities, samples of which can be seen at the University of Limerick and Maynooth College.

To sum up, the best advice I can give is to get involved with the activities provided on campus. Don't spend all your time in the library, and have a great time in College!

EOGHAN MacCormack, Ents Officer UCG

Well, you've arrived. Galway, UCG and the world is your oyster - just as Galway is about to begin its oyster festival. So take note, oysters get eaten up so guard your precious world well . . . a lot of its illusions are about to be shattered.

Okay, that's the cliché section out of the way and what follows is the serious stuff. UCG is a college of around 7,000 students of which this year 1,000 plus are freshers. Only problem there is that in UCG freshers aren't called freshers, they're called GIBs. Apparently that title has been in use since at least 1929, a fact verified this week when some members of the SciFi and Fantasy society boldly went where no-one ever went before (into the bowels of the library) and dug out a past copy of the college mag of that star date from the dusty archives.

GIBs is the name, and one possible interpretation of the name is offered as Green Ignorant B*st*rds although this being the college's foremost Irish language college this scribe prefers the interpretation in the teanga dúchas as Gaillimh Lú Bliain. In any case, as a GIB the first year has many and varied delights in store such as a regular feast of maiden speakers debates the most important of which is obviously that hosted by the Literary and Debating Society, local parlance being Lit 'n Deb. Come prepared with a thick skin if you want to take part in that particular debate, although the humour and the prizes are both supplied in generous measure.

Galway is a students' city. With a population of under 70,000 and a 3rd level student population of 11,000 between UCG and the RTC, the influence of students on the place is enormous. There are loads of pubs, cafes, restaurants, second-hand clothes shops and book shops. As you travel round the city's pubs and cafes you will be met with a confetti storm of fliers advertising the many and varied clubs and discos in Salthill and in the city centre.

Both Students Unions have a standing booking with Setantas, the RTC on Wednesdays and UCG on Thursdays, for their discos, the club is run by ex-SU President and now community political Brendan Speedie Smith, whose venture into both the ents world and local politics has earned him the title of a man going forward with a night club in one hand and a ballot box in the other.

As for campus events this year, the SU has promised to establish a Student Assembly, and talk is rife that the long-awaited student centre is about to be built in the IMI, the former Irish metal Industries factory, once used for the manufacture of munitions and the expected site of fireworks from the students if bricks don't soon land on bricks. Bring your own placard.

Galway is a wet city. It pisses out of the heavens all year round here but at no time more depressingly than when you are walking in to the college in the morning. Bring a coat. Better still, bring two. I flogged mine to one of those second hand shops I mentioned earlier.