How sad the day. The US mid-term elections have dealt a terrible blow to the wonderful, no better still, glorious, War on Terror that has been fought so valiantly on our behalf these past five years by the US and its allies under the august Presidency of his excellency, the right honourable George W.Bush.

It’s hard to believe. One day you read about the fact that Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death and go HURRAAAY. And then you read that he’s actually going to be hanged by the neck and you go HURAAAAAAAAAAAAY. And the next day the American people go out to vote. Perfect.
Wouldn’t you think that they would want to express their gratitude and appreciation of this wonderful news to the men responsible? Wouldn’t you think that they’d give a vote of confidence to the patriots who organised the sentencing of the mad tyrant to be timed so sweetly? But, no, that is not the way they voted.
I am so enraged at the American electorate for handing control of the houses of Congress and the Senate to the Democratic Party that I find it hard even to think, let alone write. But since I have to, for there is a column to fill, I will. There is a need, after all, in as dark an hour as this, for courageous people (like me!) to speak up – for sanity, for goodness, for democracy, for God, for Donald Rumsfeld.
Which reminds me: why is that other crowd called the Democratic Party? They are a bunch of weak-kneed, lily-livered homosexuals, transvestites and fornicators. They are not truly committed to bringing democracy to shit-holes, that are full of scum, like Iraq.
They’d never have had the vision to think of switching the line of attack from Afghanistan to Iraq, just because there was oil there for the taking. They’d never have had the guts to rain bombs down on Baghdad they way our boys did, and not give a flying fig who or what was hit. They’d never have had the smarts to lock up the forces of evil, with whom we poor put-upon Christian people of the West have to share God’s earth, in prison camps like Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib, where they belong. They wouldn’t have thought of the excellent initiatives taken by the dedicated operatives who were responsible for interrogating those horrible enemy forces on our behalf: sleep deprivation, dunking their heads in water till they thought they were going to drown, forcing them to wear women’s underwear (but on their heads, of course, lest they might otherwise get some perverse pleasure out of it). And so on, and on.
It took the Defence Secretary, that charismatic visionary, Donald Rumsfeld, to dream all of that up. Donald is so intelligent, selfless and articulate. Oh, the swine of the liberal left media like to abuse, and make fun of, him. They like to say that he is a liar. That half of what he says makes no sense and that the other half is plain stupid – but we know better. And now, he has had to resign. For shame, people of America! How could you do this to such a pillar of our democracy? How could you do this to such a saint?
Donald Rumsfeld has been a shining light in the drive to crush the nihilists in Iraq who have opposed our decision, born only of generosity and concern I might add, to bring our democratic values to them. It has been pointed out that Donald participated in the highest levels of decision-making that allowed the extrajudicial execution of several people – and this is true. He did. Now I know the politically correct classes will whine that wilful killing constitutes a war crime. But they can fuck right off: those Al-Qaeda folks are terrorists, God damn them. They killed three thousand Americans. You’re not crying for them are you? Or for their bloody families.
Then there is the special-access program (SAP), established by an order signed by the right honourable, honest, decent and kind President Bush in late 2001 or early 2002, which authorized the Defence Department to set up a clandestine team of Special Forces operatives to snatch, or assassinate, or do whatever the hell they liked with anyone considered a “high-value” Al Qaeda operative, anywhere in the world. Good thinking. With typical foresight, Donald Rumsfeld expanded SAP into Iraq in August 2003 and the results there have been excellent. Just look at all the bloodshed and mayhem that has taken place in Baghdad since our forces went in and think: how much worse might it have been if Donald hadn’t taken such swift and decisive action? See?
Donald was intimately involved with the interrogation of a Saudi detainee, Mohamed al-Qahtani, at Guantánamo in late 2002. General Geoffrey Miller, who later transferred many of his innovative techniques to Abu Ghraib, supervised the interrogation and gave Rumsfeld weekly updates. This was an example to us all, as to how these lowlifes should be treated: during a six-week period, al-Qahtani was stripped naked, forced to wear women’s underwear on his head, denied bathroom access, threatened with dogs, forced to perform tricks while tethered to a dog leash, and subjected to sleep deprivation. Lovely. He was kept in solitary confinement for 160 days. For 48 days out of 54, he was interrogated for 18 to 20 hours a day. Why they bothered to give him a break at all beats me, but there you go: a real softie at times is Donald.
Anyway, I am truly shocked that this great man has been unceremoniously thrust out of power. And I am horrified at the fact that a bunch of namby pamby lawyers are now apparently calling for him to be charged with war crimes. War crimes! If the President can find a way I’m sure he’ll have a few of them bumped off to soften their cough. We will see.
I came across a selection of Donald’s poetry on the internet today and it lifted my heart: it speaks so eloquently of the human condition and what we have to put up with here, in this vale of sorrows. When I read ‘The Unknown’ and ‘Happenings’, I thought of Donald and how disappointed he must feel right now, and I admit a tear came to my eye. No, I am not a sentimentalist, but these two short poems of his are indubitably works of remarkable profundity: go on, read them and try not to weep.

(1) The Unknown
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don’t know
We don’t know.

(2) Happenings
You’re going to be told lots of things.
You get told things every day that don’t happen.
It doesn’t seem to bother people, they don’t—
It’s printed in the press.
The world thinks all these things happen.
They never happened.
Everyone’s so eager to get the story
Before in fact the story’s there
That the world is constantly being fed
Things that haven’t happened.
All I can tell you is,
It hasn’t happened.
It’s going to happen.

And now it has happened! How prophetic. I’ll be campaigning for you to get the Nobel Prize, Donald – either the Peace prize, or the other one, for your wonderful, thoughtful and deeply moving Literature. We’ll miss you, General Rumsfeld (I hope you don’t mind me calling you that!). And so too, of course, will the free people of Iraq. Even the estimated 650,000 dead ones.