Can abstinence make the heart grow fonder? Psychologists at Brigham Young University think so. They found that couples that waited until they were married before having sex were happier, had more stable relationships and more satisfactory sex lives.

This probably isn’t news to you – the study has been doing the rounds of newspapers and radio talk shows for the last few weeks. What was less widely reported is that Brigham Young is a Mormon university and places restrictions on academic freedom – academics are not allowed to publish anything that contradicts church doctrine or could be seen as unchaste. Puts the results in a whole new light, doesn’t it?
If you want to ‘prove’ something to be true you almost always can. We all know that adverts are full of research results and spurious scientific claims. But if eight out of ten women agree that X shampoo results in bouncy, healthy hair and Y cream really does reduce wrinkles, then why the hell are we not all walking around with peach-like skin and Cheryl Cole hair?
Now, I am not accusing the study’s authors of dishonesty. But it is almost impossible for scientists not to bring an unintentional bias to their research. This is particularly true for those studying nebulous concepts like ‘happiness’ or ‘satisfaction’ – you can’t measure those empirically.
If I am happy with my sex life and relationship and you are delighted with yours, how can a researcher judge which of us is feeling the cheeriest? Generally this is done by asking people to describe how they feel according to a scale of one to ten. So if you chose 8 out of 10 and I plumped for 7, you’re ten percent happier than me. Well duh! Unfortunately self-reporting surveys are notoriously problematic because there is a bit of wish-fulfilment going on. Beside which, if I overslept, spilled my coffee, or had an argument with my mother I might report being less happy with my sex life than I would have if none of those things happened to annoy me that day.
Scientists studying the benefits of sex have found all kinds of correlations between regular sex and health. Sex can help with headaches, heart disease and stress; it results in a longer life, boosts brain function, strengthens your immune system and even gives you glowing skin. Abstinence advocates tend to operate quite differently – either by scaring the bejesus out of you if you do have sex or by promising rewards to come if you don’t. It’s pretty much the whole heaven and hell scenario. That’s no surprise since those fond of abstinence tend to be religious folk.
Actually I have nothing against the idea of abstinence, at least not in theory. Abstinence may indeed be the right choice for you at a particular time in your life. I do love sex, but given the choice between going home alone or with some random drunk bloke I’d met outside the chipper, I’d plump for abstinence. Women need a bit of effort to get to orgasm. Given this I prefer someone I actually fancy and who likes me and is sober enough to take the trouble. Demanding, aren’t I?
I don’t think teaching teenagers that abstinence is an option is necessarily a bad idea either, but only if the question of ‘morality’ is removed. I get nervous when sex is equated with sin. I have written before that I think you are better off waiting until you feel ready, and that moment is going to be different for everyone. Abstinence because you fear God will smite you is problematic; waiting according to your own needs or desires or preferences is not.
I have three big problems with the abstinence movement. Firstly, it doesn’t work. Teenagers who join purity groups or pledge to remain chaste until marriage tend to lose their virginity a bit later – by a year or so – but are just as likely to have an unplanned pregnancy or catch a sexually transmitted infection. In fact during the Bush administration, when American public schools had to agree to abstinence-only sex education to get federal funding, teen pregnancies, teen abortions and teen STI rates all rose.
Secondly, although the abstinence movement is nominally aimed at teenagers of both sexes, what it is really about is promoting female chastity. Two abstinence groups, True Love Waits and the Silver Ring Thing claim to have large numbers of adherents, around three million and 147,000 respectively – yet almost all their featured ‘testimonials’ are written by girls. I don’t think that’s a fluke.
According to the Silver Ring Thing, girls who have sex are filthy diseased whores. The SRT has a number of videos promoting abstinence featuring two men – ‘Waiting’ and ‘Not Waiting’. In a video shown on their website ‘Not Waiting’ tells ‘Waiting’ he has an “itchy flare up” and that the two other men with him – one hunched over, the other curled in a foetal position – also have sexually transmitted diseases. A second video immediately follows this one, this time featuring a young couple in bed. After the man expresses satisfaction with the night before, the woman remarks, quite casually, that she’s thrilled her syphilis didn’t flare up. In the SRT’s world, it’s always women infecting men and never the other way around. I don’t think that’s unintentional either.
Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, parts of the abstinence movement are just downright creepy. Among certain sections of American society father-daughter purity balls are increasingly popular. The daughters wear white, like brides, and pledge their virginity to their fathers and to God. Mothers are rarely in attendance, and of course there are no ceremonies where sons pledge their virginities their mammies either. These balls romanticise the father-daughter relationship, blurring the lines between paternal and amorous love. Some balls encourage daughters to give their fathers a key, a gift that sexualises the relationship, transferring ownership of the daughter’s sexuality to her father. See what I mean? Creepy is an understatement.
By all means choose abstinence if that’s what works for you. By all means discuss it as an option with your kids, if you have any. But don’t, for God’s sake – and I use the term purposely – lie about safe sex, reverse the gains of feminism or promote proto-incestuous family relationships while you go about it.
Nor is their any need for research claiming to ‘prove’ that those who wait have happier sex lives and relationships once they get married. Granted, if your relationship is based on more than sex and you have mutual interests and similar values you probably will be happier. That’s obvious but it has nothing to do with abstinence. Furthermore, if you believe in God it’s possible you’ll be a happier person too. Why? Because faith is optimism in the absence of proof. But of course it is possible to be an optimist and not to believe in any kind of divinity at all…
Optimists are generally sunnier and take life’s many aggravations on the chin. In terms of happiness and satisfaction optimism is a pretty powerful weapon. Abstinence, on the other hand? Nah. Some people get very grumpy indeed when they’re not getting enough sex!