“You let her watch?” Sean looked incredulous, and more than a little horrified.

“Oh for goodness sake!” I replied exasperated. “She’s a dog!”
Sean was dubious. “I dunno…” he said. “That’s a bit weird.”
A few months back I got a beautiful German Shepherd. Vixie is a lovely dog and very attached to me so she follows me everywhere and sleeps in my bedroom. Not on the bed – although she tries on occasion – but beside it. Not that I mind sharing my bed with large, hairy beasts, but I’d rather they were human.
Sean’s reaction surprised me. Is having sex in front of your pet some kind of perverse exhibitionism? He certainly seemed to think so. I was curious to find out what other pet owners thought.
I spoke to Andrew, who has had dogs all of his life.
“They tend not to be bothered or interested,” he said. “Sure, dogs being curious creatures, may want to see what’s going on. Once they see it’s not fun for them, they go find something else to do. I have no issues with them being around.”
Tanya has two dogs, both of which tend to invade her bed. She kicks them off when needed, but not out of the room. “They couldn’t be bothered really,” she told me.
She added a caveat. “If you incorporate chops in your looove-making, you could have serious problems!” Fair enough. Then again, anyone with a sex and meat fetish probably already has issues, with or without dogs.
Joe said he wouldn’t deliberately have sex in front of his cat “like a kinky show”. If the creature happened to be there, he wasn’t about to eject him from the room either.
That’s pretty much how I feel. After all, it’s seems doubtful that your pet really understands what you’re up to, although I suppose it is possible. Even so, it’s not like they are going to get horny and start humping the furniture. At least that’s what I thought. Turns out that is not always the case.
“My ex had a ‘teenage’ cat,” Anya explained, “which seemed to be very interested in our sex life. I think he understood what was going on, because he sometimes got horny and started humping his toy rat. I found that quite disturbing.”
That would make me uncomfortable too. But, luckily, most animals don’t share this cat’s kinky cross-species tastes. In fact it seems that certain pets would rather be anywhere else than in the presence of humans mating.
“The cat always runs out the room. I’m not sure if I should feel insulted,” said Helen.
“I’m not bothered by it,” said Aiden. “Although I had a dog who would leave the room every time.”
Daithi has two cats neither of which seems keen to watch. “Sex is fun, but it ain’t pretty,” he joked.
While most of my respondents were unconcerned about an animal audience, others, like Sean, preferred strict privacy.
“I don’t care that the pet won’t mind: I mind!” exclaimed Beth.
James agreed. “It would kind of freak me out! The dogs get confused about who is alpha. They also get too curious. The last thing you want is a dog sticking its nose somewhere.”
There are practical considerations too.
“As long as they’re not trying to catch my feet or dangly bits,” Daiti said, “they’re welcome to stay or go as they choose.”
Ah yes, dangly bits! I don’t have those, so that’s not a worry for me. However, my partner does and I certainly wouldn’t blame him for being concerned about them – after all, animals have teeth and claws.
When my ex-boyfriend got a puppy, it seemed to think that sex was some kind of rough and tumble game – which I suppose it is – but didn’t see why he should be excluded. He jumped all over the bed and began biting our legs.
Nor was he happy at having his master’s attention directed elsewhere. After we’d finished he crawled in between us making après sex cuddles impossible. But I love dogs and dogs love me, so after a couple of days he settled down, waiting patiently on the floor until we were ready to fall asleep. Then, much to my ex’s chagrin, the dog curled happily up next to my belly.
Teeth genuinely are a worry: my friend Ray’s new puppy thought that Ray had a lovely bone and decided to chomp down on it. Not enough to draw blood luckily, but he was in pain for several days afterwards.
Humans tend to anthropomorphise their pets. We can’t help it, because cats and dogs have personalities of their own, with their own likes and dislikes, attitudes and behaviours. What’s more, current scientific research suggests that animals may not be all that different from us.
Earlier this year, scientists argued that dolphins and whales should be reclassified as “non-human persons”. Marine biologists maintain that because these creatures have intelligence, individuality, a consciousness and a sense of self, they are share many similarities to us and need to be protected by their own bill of rights.
Dolphins, share many of our sexual characteristics. Young dolphins have high sex drives and will masturbate and attempt to hump anything around the right size – even humans.
Although we all know that in the majority of species males compete for females during the breeding season, many animals have favourite partners which they return to time and again. In some cases, animals can become deeply attached to their sexual partners, just the same as humans.
Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, has argued that certain animals experience a form of romantic love and become distressed when separated from their partners. Just recently, a group of scientists studying urban coyotes around Chicago discovered, much to their surprise, that urban coyotes mate for life.
Given this, I guess it is not inconceivable that my dog has some understanding of sex. She just doesn’t seem that interested, which is a good thing.
Many of you will be familiar with the old Irish folk song, ‘The Old Maid in The Garret’. When I was a child, my father would often sing it to me as a joke, because the lonely old spinster in the song is called Annie. Poor Annie laments, “If I can’t get a man than I’ll surely get a parrot.”
Luckily for me, I am not as old as that and since I can get a man a parrot is out of the question. After all, that’s one pet that could embarrass you by recounting tales of your misdemeanours. Dogs, on the other hand, are very discreet.