Sex Column: I’m Coming, I’m Coming!

Last week, as I was having sex with my boyfriend I lost control of my face. Or that was the way it felt! My mouth began to pull in a strange, vaguely unnatural way, as if I was trying to recreate Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
One part of my brain pinged, “Oh, oh, this can’t look good.” The more primeval, reptilian part responded with, “Fuck, it feels great!” A split second calculation followed: I could either lean in to the weirdness and orgasm or regain control of my face and not. I chose the orgasm.
Why is it that at the moment of peak sexual pleasure, most of us look a little unhinged? Think about it — this is a moment of intimacy, connection and vulnerability, the act that consummates a marriage and creates a freaking baby, yet it causes us to look ill or crazed or both.
The French call orgasm la petite mort — the little death — presumably because you look like you’re having a stroke.
Orgasm is a fascinating physiological response, because it is not really necessary. It is the body’s bonus party trick. For the majority of men, ejaculation and orgasm happen simultaneously but they are separate responses, and you can learn to do one without the other.
Granted, most men would be less eager to have sex if the male orgasm didn’t exist. But there is a possibility that they could have been persuaded to put up and shut up, like middle class women during the Victorian era and beyond.
LIPS SENSUALLY PARTED
Interestingly enough, it wasn’t until Victorian prudery messed everything up that the female orgasm became a “mystery.” Hippocrates, the ancient Greek physician, believed that women too released seed at the moment of orgasm. That meant that if a man wanted to become a father, he better damn well do his best to please his wife.
This belief stuck around for a long, long time — until the late 1700s or so. While it may be factually incorrect, it was at least sexually egalitarian and seems almost enlightened compared to the repressed silences around sexuality, particularly female sexuality, that characterised the Victorian age.
That doesn’t mean that no well-bred women had orgasms between 1837 and 1901. Victoria herself was passionately devoted to Prince Albert and had nine children. Although shame, confusion and ignorance were rife, evidence suggests that at least some couples had mutually satisfying sex lives. The fact that people didn’t talk about sex, doesn’t mean that they weren’t getting freaky under the crinolines.
One of the major complaints laid against pornography is that it portrays an unrealistic version of sex. Fair enough — but what about Hollywood? With willingness, lube and a lot of yoga you could probably recreate any porn film you care to name. However, sex in PG films is rarely attainable in real life.
The hero and his love interest — for the most part — generally fall into one another’s arms after trials and tribulations and a dollop of sexual tension. And it all just… works. Nobody is wearing their oldest underpants, nobody has neglected to shave their legs for a week, nobody has a period and nobody practices safe sex. Worst of all, the couple have a deeply satisfying mutual orgasm, all while gently drowning in one another’s eyes, lips sensually parted.
EROTIC AND ENDEARING
I have had sex like that — up to a point. That point being until my legs and arms go ramrod stiff and a strangulated scream escapes my mouth. This is generally followed by jelly legs and, on occasion, uncontrolled laughter.
Come to think of it, I have yet to meet a man who, in the throes of an orgasm, didn’t look like he’d been stabbed in the arse with a hatpin but was happy to push on through like a little trooper.
If you have a few minutes to spare, have a look at the website Beautiful Agony. This is a collection of crowd-sourced user content of people experiencing orgasm. You can’t see anything but the face, which is pretty prudish as porn goes, but it is nonetheless compelling. The name is well chosen — half the people look like they are being tortured. Which, oddly enough, is a pretty good indication that the orgasms are real.
All of the most pleasurable human activities — sex, sleeping, eating a great big dirty burger — are not ones where we look our most elegant. However, these are the very ones we need for survival and the continuation of the human species.
Maybe that is the point of lust and romantic love. One spurs you on to have sex and the other makes you willing to overlook the fact that your partner can be slightly weird, grunts like a rugby player at the point of orgasm and has a tendency to leave his (yes, his) socks on the floor. And ideally, your partner does the same for you.
No matter how strange or startling your orgasm face, nobody is likely to object. If anything, they’re more likely to give themselves a pat on the back for a job well done. Out of context, an orgasm face may look ridiculous. Under the right circumstances — that is, in your bedroom — they are erotic and endearing and rather beautiful.