Sex Column: Louis Deslis about the benefits of threesomes

This week I had the pleasure of sitting down to talk about sex with one of my closest friends, the award-winning writer and actor Louis Deslis. For as long as I have known him, Louis has always been incredibly open about sex - whether sharing his own experiences and the exciting journey he has been through, or discussing the wider issues about sex, and the influence it has within society. And so I was delighted to get the opportunity to pick his brains - on the basis that I would be sharing his story with you.

To begin with, I ask Louis where his openness and confidence, talking about sex, comes from. "We have to start at the beginning," he says, "and that means thinking about the idea of a young boy growing up in France, dressing up and wearing pink scrunchies (laughs)."

Louis speaks of the privilege of having incredibly sex-positive parents, and how their attitude toward sex moulded him. The fact that they talked to him about sex from an early age meant that he understood sex better than other teenagers, enabling him to feel confident in sexual relationships and to be open to the different experiences that came his way.

Louis also talks about the comprehensive sex education that he received in France, which also equipped him well for his sexual adventures.

LOVE AND LUST

Until two years ago, Louis had always been in heteronormative, straight relationships. He speaks fondly of his first relationship with a girl, while he was in boarding school, saying she was "more than a friend and more than a girlfriend." He describes the love they shared as combining safety with exploration, recounting how as teenagers they were able to discover sex together in an environment that nurtured and protected them. It becomes clear, as we talk, that these early encounters informed his attitude toward sex as one that is filled with respect, connection and joy.

Moving to Dublin, Louis continued to have straight relationships, not dismissing men as an option - but he was never attracted to a man, until December 2017. He recalls being out with a friend, drinking wine, when he was introduced to his first male love.

"Apart from the fact that he is ridiculously good-looking", Louis says, it was a moment "when you are really attracted to someone and something magical happens - and you just know."

Fast forward to around 6am. More wine has been consumed and Louis invites "him" to sleep in his bed - and that's not a euphemism. The decision to "do it" wasn't in the invitation to go back to his house or up to his room: it was when they were lying in Louis' bed and "he" put his arms around Louis to spoon him.

"I remember that being quite a long reflective moment," Louis says, "as it was the first time I was held like that by a guy." As Louis lay there - in that "suspended moment" - thoughts raced through his head. At the heart of it was: "Am I going to do this, or am I not?" He describes the trepidation he felt, before he turned around and kissed him. "It was really pure for a second and then it got really clumsy," he smiles.

Louis laughs as he describes the scene. Neither of them had been in this position before. They were filled with an intense attraction to one another, trying to navigate sex with another man for the first time. Louis tells it plain and simple. "Gay sex gets messy," he says with a grin.

He describes the nights that followed, as their relationship grew, filled with trial and error. He talks about this new world of sex that he had been introduced to. He recalls asking two of his straight, female friends: "What's the deal with blow jobs? Do they ever get nice for the person giving them?"

He speaks passionately about how sex isn't the hairless, fluid-less, choreographed experience we see in porn. How in the beginning it is clumsy and awkward and at times bed-breaking. But going through the experience together, driven by the love and lust they felt for each other, they were able to discover, through trying and talking, the pleasures of gay sex. They realised how sex can become so much more than just penetration.

HAVING THREESOMES

As their relationship grew, so did the breadth of their sexual experiences. Threesomes started to become a part of their sex life. "We love each other," Louis says, "and it's important to acknowledge that - but we are also both young and don't want to completely cut ourselves off from possibilities and exploring and growing. So why don't we do that together?"

So, they set off on the next stage of their sexual journey together. In the beginning, he talks about how trial and error came back into play, working through the clumsy nature of navigating three bodies for the first time, of the importance of communication between everyone and the requirement that all three members are attracted to each other and are into the experience.

He speaks of how threesomes are so much more than a "hook-up", how friendships and connections are born out of them, about how it's an "encounter". Louis describes how threesomes come about much slower than a hook-up, how the experience isn't filled with the awkwardness and occasional shame of hook-ups, but is about the connection between those taking part and the friendships and pleasurable sex that is being experienced. "It also helps if they are drop dead gorgeous," he adds.

Louis also talks about the importance of not falling into a pattern sexually, how only having threesomes or only having sex as a couple isn't the way to go. He talks about the benefits of both, describing the difference between them like "going out to a restaurant or having a lovely home-cooked meal." Both are great and amazing, and you get something different from both of them.

The journey of exploration of his sexuality has made Louis who he is today, he says. It has made him more confident in his sexuality, in knowing what he wants - and also in being able to say "no". One of the key things he has discovered, through having threesomes with this partner, is the respect that it enables them to express for each other, emotionally and sexually, because every encounter is by mutual agreement. Louis speaks with pride about - and love for - his partner and their sex life together. Whatever happens in his future, he says, all his experiences up until now have helped him grow into being more fully himself. "They will always be a part of the adult me," he says.

And they have been fun too. Now, that's something we should all be able to say!