"2017: The year that flirting died." ThatÕs what an acquaintance of mine posted on social media recently. I was surprised he felt that way - and even more surprised that so many men and women agreed with him.
This was a response to the Harvey Weinstein allegations and the resultant #MeToo movement. Like many of you, my newsfeed filled up with stories from countless women and a surprising number of men outlining their experiences of sexual harassment and abuse. It made for sobering reading.
However to decide that this marks the end of flirting, seems an odd reaction. Either lots of people honestly don't know the difference between flirting and harassment, which is a worrying thought; or many folks assume people cry harassment at the slightest of provocations, which is even worse.
Flirting is not harassment, and harassment is not flirting. But if you are a man or a woman who is unclear where one ends and the other begins, fear not! Your friendly neighbourhood sex columnist is here to help.
1. Has anyone ever accused you of harassment or called your behaviour creepy?
No? You're almost certainly fine. Carry on as you were.
2. Are you flirting with a teenager?
If you are also a teenager, your behaviour is perfectly normal. Off you go, and good luck. If you are not a teenager, you'll need to ask yourself the following questions: Is your target over the age consent? What is the age difference between you?
There is, of course, a big difference between a 26-year old picking up a 19-year old at a nightclub, or literally scooping up a 14-year old and depositing them on your bed. Yes, Kevin Spacey, I'm talking to you.
3. Are you a teacher?
Every week, or so it seems, yet another teacher gets arrested for having sex with an underage pupil. The teachers, for the most part, appear to be attractive women in their twenties and thirties, while their victims are teenagers. Yes, many kids fantasise about the 'hot teacher' (not me, I had nuns), but this is absolutely sexual abuse. There are no instances where this is acceptable.
4. Is there a power imbalance?
Any situation where you can impact another person's life calls for caution. So, if you are a police officer - don't flirt with a suspect. If you are an interviewer - don't ask a job applicant out for a drink. Landlords - no flirting with tenants. If you have the power to fuck up your target's life, you should keep your distance.
5. Where are you?
In 2011 Rebecca Watson kicked off an unholy war in the atheist community when she had the audacity (audacity!) to suggest that maybe, just maybe, you should not proposition a woman at 4am in a hotel elevator. Richard Dawkins weighed in the ridiculous assertion that since Muslim women have it worse, Watson should suck it up.
Nope. She was right. Behaviour that's perfectly innocent in one context can come off as threatening in another.
Don't flirt with people when they, quite literally, cannot get away from you. Let this be your rule of thumb: if you could reasonably expect to get away with murder in a particularly context, then that is not a good time to flirt with a stranger. Dark bus shelters, deserted parks, and empty train carriages are not ideal spots for romance to blossom. Context matters.
6. Are you at a funeral?
A woman I know once had someone come on to her, and make a remark about her breasts at her own mother's funeral. Do. Not. Do. That.
7. Are you shouting at someone from a passing car, bus or bike?
Well, it depends what you're shouting really. On occasion I have had people scream very unexpected things at me as they drove by, including "Hey, hey! You! Yes you! Nice... dog!" Since I was actually walking a very nice dog, this does not qualify as harassment.
8. Is your opening statement a remark about their body?
There have been times when I have been walking behind a man and admiring his derriere. Ladies, when you find yourself in such a situation, it is perfectly fine to think to yourself "Dang! You could bounce a coin off that!" However, this is best kept to yourself. Remarking on a stranger's body is uncalled for.
9. What does their body language say?
You don't need to be an expert in body language to know whether or not someone wants to talk to you. If he or she is not making eye contact, has their arms crossed or is backing away, they ain't buying what you're selling.
Persistence is not your friend here - it's not a marathon. Cut your losses and find someone more receptive.
10. Are you a wanker?
Well, let's be honest, we're all wankers. Nothing wrong with that, but there is a time and a place for it. In private, by yourself or with a willing participant, go for it. If it involves a public place and a pot plant, you're doing it wrong.
It's not hard to tell the difference between flirting and harassment. Flirting makes the other person feel good about themselves and you - even if they don't fancy you. Most of us like it when others find us attractive; but nobody enjoys having their boundaries disrespected or violated.
If you can't flirt without making others uncomfortable... well then, you can't flirt at all. It's not "political correctness gone mad"; it's not "feminazis" ruining your buzz - it's you. That's not a crisis - it's a learning opportunity.