Christmas sex toys? Nope, nope, nope! You’d think that Christmas and sex toys would be a winning combination. After all, the best thing about Christmas in the halcyon days of your childhood was unwrapping your shiny new toys, particularly ones that whizzed, buzzed and roared. Hours of fun lay ahead – unless your parents forgot the batteries.

Why should things be any different as an adult? Sex toys are also whizzing and buzzing hours of fun. But think back to that Christmas when you begged repeatedly for a Gameboy, but your parents – who must have somehow misheard this – decided that what you meant was a blasted Easy Bake Oven. Yup, like regular toys, not all sex toys are created equal.
There are a lot of strange and not very delightful sex toys out there, such as the Barack Obama dildo (available in “democratic blue” and “presidential gold”); the vampire mouth masturbation sleeve (teeth!), plastic feet that look more amputated than erotic and perhaps most frightening of all, the Justin Bieber blow up doll, called as you’d expect, Just-in Beaver, complete with a creepy proclamation on the box – “Finally 18!”
There are plenty of talented sex toy designers out there; others, I’m afraid, put the “no” in novelty. The problem is partly due to an avaricious desire to tap into the Christmas market by jazzing up sub-par toys with holiday bells and whistles. It doesn’t work. A monkey in silk is a monkey no less, even if the silk is fashioned into a Jingle Bells musical g-string – available for him and her!
Would you like to be brought to orgasm by a candy cane vibrator? Nope, me neither and I’d give serious side-eye to anyone that did. Candy canes are claimed to have been invented in the 17th century in Cologne, originally given to children to keep them quiet in during the Christmas mass, but this story is more legendary than factual. However, it is true that candy canes are for generally associated with kids, mostly very young ones, because anyone over the age of seven realises that even the unloved orange cream chocolates in your selection box are a better bet. Candy canes suck.
But hey, if candy canes are your thing, well, there are a number of options to choose from. There’s the unfortunately named Santa’s Lil’ Helper G-spot vibe; the Candy Cane Hide-A-Vibe, which has a bog standard vibrator hidden inside the candy cane covering; or the slightly classier and significantly more expensive but just as disturbing “Red Tasty Treat Glass Dildo”, complete with red stripes that look like arteries, and a dinky little penis head on top.
But what about the menz? Don’t worry, this is a gender balanced sex column and there is no way I’d want our lovely male readers to feel left out this Christmas. Instead, let’s make them feel hopelessly inadequate!
While browsing Christmas gifts ‘for him’, I found a charming candy cane g-string featuring a rather elephantine striped pouch for your man to snuggle his wares in – and then some. It’s large enough that he could probably hide a bottle of whiskey down there too, which frankly he might need as he rocks himself to sleep, alternatively crying and singing “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year.” For something slightly more, eherm, form-fitting, you could always try the candy cane “Christmas Tuggie” by Pipedream Products. I wouldn’t – but then, I’m not you.
I will admit without shame that I am a fan of the Christmas jumper. Yes, yes, they are garish and cheesy, but so warm! Frankly, I am glad they’ve caught on here – even if ironically – because they are a hell of a lot cosier than a party dress. But while decking yourself out in a tacky reindeer jumper is one thing, reindeers, especially singing ones, should never make their home in your crotch.
ABC Underwear’s “Reindeer Musical G-String for men” is not exactly a thing of beauty, nor likely to bring good cheer to all men – or women for that matter. Maybe I am being picky, but an animal shaped g-string, particularly one that sporadically breaks into a rendition of ‘Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer’ would not get me thinking dirty thoughts. I am an animal lover, but not that kind of animal lover!
The Christmas fun doesn’t end there! Oh no, there’s the “Snowman Spank-Her” paddle, the “Jingle My Balls” cock sock, the usual assortment of sexy Mrs. Claus outfits and even mistletoe condoms “because you never know what a kiss will lead to.” Fair enough, but you’re hardly going to wave a condom over your head in the hope of getting one, are you? Are you? No. I didn’t think so. Besides which, any extras, like for example a plastic mistletoe berry, that could cause a condom damage just seem foolish to me.
There is also, for those of us with octogenarian fantasies, the Santa Vibe. “Mrs. Claus is cumming tonight”, the package promises, and that’s fine but I don’t need Santa in my chimney, thanks very much. The hat would tickle!
I am sure that a number of these Christmas sex toys are bought as novelty gifts, without any intention of using them. But that seems a pity to me. After all, sex toys can be a whole lot of fun – and I don’t approve of reckless consumerism either, even at Christmas. I imagine that a good few are bought because the purchaser would like to try something new with his or her partner, but is too embarrassed to admit it, and so buys a Christmas-type sex toy because it can be seen as a joke. Unfortunately this is not a wise move, because the best sex toys, and the ones you and your partner are most likely to enjoy, don’t come with candy stripes, reindeer noses or Santa hats.
I’m all for Christmas, and I’m a fan of sex toys, but Christmas sex toys are just a terrible, terrible idea. If you need more convincing, think of the strange and sad tale of the venerable city of Paris’ very own inflatable Christmas tree. The artist Paul McCarthy has either led a sheltered, blameless life or he was trolling city officials when he erected what looked exactly like a giant green butt-plug near the Place Vendôme. It didn’t take long for some Parisians, no doubt aesthetes who are appreciative of the finer things in life, to vandalise the sculpture and deflate it – much like your hard-on might do while trying to occupy the gargantuan depths of the candy cane g-string.
So, if you’re going to buy sex toys this Christmas, buy the real thing. It’ll be better for everyone, I promise. And with that, I wish you a very merry – and novelty free – Christmas!