Sexed Up: Let's talk dirty

Men, it has to be said, are often no good at taking subtle hints. Sure, they may well be able to work out the intricate instructions on a flat-pack bed, but the subtle nuances of the moans and groans made in that same bed are often lost upon them. A whimper of pleasure may sound like pain, and any woman whose partner has suddenly stopped mid-cunnilingus to inquire if she is OK will know exactly what I’m talking about.
Personally I am a fan of the direct approach. If you want something, honey, say so. In my experience, most men are willing to comply. Telling a lover what you want and how you want it not only ensures that you get it, but sexual requests can be a huge turn-on. In the words of the ever-so articulate Paris Hilton, it’s really hot.
After being on the receiving end of some rather spectacular pillow talk earlier this week, I got to thinking about talking dirty. It’s more complex than one might think. Like poetry, dirty talk can take many forms. Some may be as pithy as a haiku, others are rambling, free verse full-blown filth. In the interests of public education, here’s the hotpress guide to the other oral sex.

Oh yes that’s good! Positive reinforcement
Flattery gets you everywhere. Complimenting a lover on his or her technique or physique is almost universally appreciated. However, it’s important to pitch your compliments correctly. A breathless exclamation of “Wow, it's true! Technique is more important than size” may deflate even the most ardent of men. It’s all in the spin. For example “I love the feeling of your soft, warm mouth around my dick” is unlikely to cause offence whereas “You suck cock like a pro” may. Then again it may not. Know your target audience!

Please me, please. Erotic requests
There are many ways of getting a lover to do as you’d wish. You can always wrestle them down and bend them to your will. Most of us like to be dominated, at least every now and again. But for Christ’s sake, don’t do this with someone you’ve only just met – you don’t know how they’ll take it. Anyway, do not underestimate the efficacy of giving detailed instructions. Around 25% of men and 20% of women love being told what to do in bed. If you have never done this with your current lover, it’s probably not a good idea to launch in with a request to “fuck me hard, you [insert gender-specific expletive of your choice]”. Then again, you never know.
Beginning with fairly tame language may be advisable, but it’s important not to be too timid either. If in doubt, aim more for soft-core porn than romance novels. Speaking for myself, if there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s cheesy euphemisms for bodily parts. Very few things are less sexy. While I am generally averse to inflicting violence on would-be lovers, anyone who referred to my vagina as a ‘honey pot’ or in any such purple prose would be lucky not to get a swift kick to his ‘throbbing manhood’. Descriptions of the vagina as a lotus flower are all very well in the Kama Sutra, but not in my bedroom.
If you believe your lover will be mightily offended by slang terms for the sexual organs, call them by their proper names. The terms ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ are not exactly inspiring and may make your request sound like a sex manual. But say them with a dash of intensity, a lick of the lips and a lascivious look, and they’ll probably do the trick. How you deliver your lines makes a big difference!

Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be…: Fantasy and role-playing
Sharing fantasies or talking through erotic role-playing scenarios can be a huge turn-on. Verbalising fantasies can allow you to explore a variety of sexual adventures. This is particularly good for those that would be too dangerous or impractical to try out in reality.
Role-playing can add a delicious sense of freedom to a sexual encounter. People who would normally be too shy to talk dirty may find it easier to do so if they are acting out a role: after all, it's not ‘you’. For some people, it's not sexually explicit language that turns them on. What they like is the idea of being degraded or referring to their lover in terms generally seen as degrading. Role-playing can give you the chance to explore these aspects of sexuality, without hurting anyone’s feelings.

Second time around… Confessions
Swingers and couples in open relationships often enjoy telling their partners about their sexual experiences with others. This gives them a chance to relive the act and for their partner to enjoy it vicariously. Needless to say, discussing your extra-curricular erotic adventures is only for the really broad-minded. This applies to past experiences as well. If your current lover asks about an ex while you’re in a delicate position, proceed with caution! The ghosts of lovers past floating around your bedroom do not make for an orgy.
If there is one thing I have always appreciated in a man, it’s the ability to put his mouth to good use. Not just the obvious kind of tongue twisting, although that’s important too. But I have never been a fan of the strong, silent type. Verbally dexterity can be just as exciting as a flexible body. And you don’t have to suffer the indignities of the gym to be erotically eloquent. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes I prefer the verbal to the visual.
So come here, my little slave and lick my nipples. I promise I’ll make it worth your while.