Why Everyone Love's A Schlub

When Jerry went up to the bar to get us drinks, we sighed with longing.

“I really like him,” Maria said wistfully.
“Me too,” agreed Brona. “He’s lovely.”
I nodded. “Totally lovely.”
Now by and large the media will tell you that female solidarity is a lie and the sisterhood a myth, because women will claw each other’s eyes out and happily stand on each others’ toes, stilettos and all, to get to the man they want. But it’s not true – there we were, me and my gal pals, all of us lusting after the same bloke, and being very civilised about it.
You’d think that a man on the receiving end of this much female admiration would be packing the hard flat six pack of a GQ cover model and give Michael Fassbender a run for his money in the trouser snake department. But you’d be wrong. Well, right about the impressive penis it turns out, but none of us knew that at the time.
By any yardstick Jerry was a pretty average looking bloke. He was hairy, beardy, definitely scruffy and a bit on the chubby side.
My sister – another of his fans – called him a “big, hot, sexy teddy bear.” The description was apt – Jerry was a bear.
Somewhere in the dark decade that was the ‘70s, bear culture emerged in the gay scene. Bears were the antithesis to the preened and primped appearance favoured by many gay men. They were hairy, big and unapologetically masculine. Some favoured the muscled look of body builders or blue-collar workers; others were schlubby with more than a few extra pounds around the waistline.
In the last few years however, bears, or men who rock a vaguely bear-like appearance, have gone mainstream. Take, for example, stars like Jason Segal, Seth Rogen and Vince Vaughn – all loveable schlubs with a track record of getting the girl in rom-coms. Even former pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio has gained weight and, more often than not, sports facial hair.
On the one hand this preponderance of bigger male stars speaks to an acceptance of double standards in Hollywood. In films, the fat or unattractive girl is always the beautiful heroine’s sidekick and never gets the guy, at least not until she has had a makeover. The one exception I can think of is The Truth About Cats & Dogs, but Janeane Garofalo is hardly ugly, although perhaps not as luminous as her co-star Uma Thurman.
Of course Hollywood isn’t exactly a reflection of life as we know it, but perhaps part of the reason why these overweight stars have become so popular in recent years is that back in the real world the man without conventionally attractive looks does indeed get the girl – or the guy.
Heterosexual men who rock the hairy bear look used to be called ‘men’; now they are known as ‘straight bears’. Straight bear culture has been coming on for a few years now. Perhaps unsurprisingly the straight bear made his debut in the fashion capital that is New York – ironic, since being manly men, the straight bear doesn’t give two hoots about fashion. What’s perhaps a little more remarkable is that many a straight bear favoured NYC’s gay pubs and clubs where they could revel in their sexual power by soaking up appreciation from men, which seemed to be lacking on the part of women.
The film writer and director Kevin Smith led the way. The burly, hairy Smith has a gay brother and is something of a bear icon. Being a relaxed, open-minded kinda guy he has appeared at bear events as the star attraction.
The straight bear may initially have been a small subset of the gay scene, but then something interesting happened – the straight women who frequent gay clubs began looking at them with the glad eye. Here were a bunch of guys, unashamedly masculine in appearance, but without the machismo or homophobia so depressingly common amongst manly men. Who wouldn’t want a man who could change a tyre single-handedly, protect you from a mugger, but still be happy to accompany you to a Joanna Newsom gig?
A few years back it was all about the metrosexual – the man with the complicated grooming routine and the designer wardrobe. These days, not so much; these days, the ladies love a straight bear. It may have something to do with the fact that since so few of us have any disposable income, a man that spends his on hand-sewn shirts, laser hair removal and expensive fragrance seems a little shallow and silly.
Of course, the metrosexual pretty boy hasn’t gone away. When I was younger I was all about the pretty boys, as were most of my female friends. I suspect that this is a look favoured by teenage girls and very young women for the simple reason that most of the age-appropriate guys they date are relatively hairless compared to fully-grown men. To young girls, men are scary; boys are not.
Women, on the other hand, having a bit of life and sexual experience, generally prefer something a little more grown-up – and hairier. Matthew McConaughey – leaves us cold. Orlando Bloom – you would kick him outta bed for eating crisps. Zac Efron – a mere child.
My mother used to joke that kissing a man without a beard was like an egg without salt, but my younger self preferred unsalted eggs and clean-shaven men. I still like clean-shaven men but no longer exclusively. These days I find myself staring at beards the way men stare at breasts – they fascinate me, and given half a chance I’m trying to stroke them.
Not that I object to rock hard abs by any means, and a slimmer waistline is certainly healthier, but no grown-up women would object to a few extra pounds if those pounds were full of substance, sensitivity and sensuality.
Did Maria, Brona and I like Jerry because he was overweight and hairy? No. Well, maybe. But then we didn’t like him despite this either. The reason we all wanted him was Jerry was the kind of man that made you feel good about yourself. He was smart, he told jokes, he gave compliments, he made sure you got home safely – he was the kind of man that liked and appreciated women, for our personalities as much as our bodies, and that was a real turn-on. All that, and a super-sized todger? No wonder we were smitten.
Now I can’t guarantee that all bears are packing a pleasant surprise down below, but they are certainly your best bet if you appreciate hugs and cuddles. On a cold night, there is nothing better than snuggling up to a big, hairy man. If nothing else, you save a fortune in heating bills.