Sam presumes that you all know the difference between the erotic and the pornographic. You don’t? Well, it’s simple. Erotic is when you use a feather; pornographic is when you use the whole chicken.
This fine and elegant distinction came to mind last week when I read that the new Pope was about to drop a big one.
Or, as the Irish Times reported the news: “Pope Benedict XVI ended weeks of speculation yesterday by announcing that his first encyclical will be published next Wednesday and will deal with the difference between spiritual and erotic love.” Weeks of speculation? I fear the Old Lady of D’Olier Street is being a tad demure here, erring on the side of understatement. Fact is that, for months now, we have spoken of little else in Snort Towers.
“Any word from Benny and the gents, yet?” Daily, this was the cry heard around the house, as Sam and his handmaidens awaited clarification from Rome as to precisely what it was we’d been getting up to in the hot bath the previous night, with the help of half a watermelon and a couple of midgets. Damn well felt like a spiritual experience to me, but it’s always nice to get official verification.
Top Shelf Anyway, by the time you read this, the great work should be widely available, if not from all good bookshops then certainly online and possibly free with the Sunday Independent as well.
But back to the Times which reported that Benny had dropped a few choice hints about the contents of the big release to a herd of pilgrims in the Vatican last week. (By the way, you find the word “herd” offensive in this context? So how come “flock” is acceptable then? In Christian circles, do sheep have a dignity which cattle lack, or something? And where would goats fit in, exactly?) Anyway, I digress. The point is that Benny told the crowd that the encyclical would aim “to show the concept of love in all its dimensions.” Well, hey, that was Sam sold right there. Love in all its dimensions, eh? If that doesn’t sound like a top shelf, brown paper bag smasheroo, then the Pope ain’t a Catholic.
And there was more. According to the report, “Vatican sources suggest the encyclical focuses on the relationship between ‘eros’, or erotic love, and ‘agape’, the unconditional, spiritual and selfless love taught by Jesus”.
Is it just me or is there something inherently horny about that old Latin tongue? I mean, eros is pretty good but agape sounds positively rockin’. Yep, I’ll have a bit of the former and lashings of the latter, thanks very much.
One slightly worrying aspect about the whole thing has to do with the issue of authorship. Again, those mysterious Vatican sources are quoted as saying that while the first part of the encyclical was written by Benny himself, “the second section of the document was inherited from John Paul 11 and was written for the ailing late Pope by experts and close confidants”.
Well, hold on just a second, padre. What they seem to be saying here is that the thing is some kind of posthumous collaboration, like that awful Beatles track where the talentless members of the group attempted to finish off John’s great work after he’d died.
Worse, in this case, the reference to the “ailing” Pontiff seems to suggest that the Vatican equivalent of Ringo overdubbed a few parts while John (but not Paul, obviously) was actually in the very process of being bugled to Jesus.
Christ on a moped, not even the world’s most shameless record company would try a trick as lowdown and dirty as that.
Whatever – the deed is done now, and the product of all this great labour, everything you ever wanted to know about sex from the viewpoint of elderly celibates (alleged), is about to land with a sickening thud in a good Christian bedroom near you.
And since I’m sure that even the Christians have better things to be doing in the bedroom than reading this heap of shite, Sam herewith saves you the bother by presenting this handy, one line, cut out and keep guide, a kind of papal encyclical made short and simple. Here it is. Spiritual love = Cliff Richard. Erotic love = Little Richard.
Well, I think that’s cleared everything up.
And since I’ve saved you all that valuable time, it also means that there is now no good reason why you shouldn’t be able to curl up with my own first such venture into print.
Or as the gals all like to quip: “Hey Sam, is that an encyclical or are you just happy to see me?” How we laugh.

Slight Deviation

But seriously. Sam’s inaugural encyclical will shortly be published and, while I don’t want to give too much away, you can rest assured that my work will deviate slightly from the Vatican line, in so far as when it comes to the critical, central distinction between erotic and spiritual love, I will in fact be making no such distinction whatsoever.
However, I will be recognising the great sense of history and tradition reflected in the beautiful Latin title for Benny’s work: Deus Caritas Est (God Is Love).
So order your copy of Poontangus Maximus today.
An’ ah thank the ladeez know exactly what ahm a-talkin’ about.
Your ever lovin’ Samuel J. Snort Esq