FREE AT last, free at last, thank God almighty, it s free at last. It was with these famous words that Sam Snort s Freedom Of The City ceremony reached its much anticipated climax the opening of the free bar which marked the end of the boring formalities and the beginning of the all-night party.
Readers will be pleased but also possibly surprised to learn that Samuel J Snort Esq was recently the recipient of the Freedom Of The City. Many will have been under the impression that this was handed out only to U2 and some Asian babe who couldn t be bothered to put in an appearance or even record a video postcard, such was her patent lack of interest in the whole shabby affair. Not for the first time, my sadly unheeded warning to John Lennon all those years ago came home to roost: Johnny baby, take it from Sam, Asian babes and rock n roll just don t mix. If only he d listened to me, those Beatle boys would probably still be able to earn a nice living on the cabaret circuit.
Anyhow, that s all by the way. The point is that such is the Irish media s obsession with U2, you d never have guessed that, for the first time in recorded history, the Freedom Of The City was also conferred on a rock journalist namely, my great self.
Admittedly, this wasn t the Freedom of Dublin per se but it was very much the next best thing. Yes, indeed, Sam Snort is proud to confirm that he has been awarded the Freedom Of The City of . . . Boise, Idaho.
Trouser Lump
Pedants might point out that, technically, I wasn t awarded this honour but rather won it by entering a fun phone-in competition on the local WXLM Classic Hits station. But this is to completely miss the spirit of the thing, which is all about recognising the contribution made by persons of stature to the civic life of the city. And surely no-one could suggest that Sam Snort is anything other than a person of stature. An I thank the ladeez know jest what ahm a-talkin about.
The ceremony, conducted with great dignity at the local Blue Wasp Nite-Club, was a moving and memorable affair. Even thinking about it now brings a lump to my throat. And thinking about the party afterwards brings a lump to my trousers.
Our host for the night was world famous celebrity and long-time friend Lance Turnpike of local boogie faves Foghat. Pointing out that the winner sorry, the recipient of the 1999 award had been a local man who holds the world record for eating hamburgers, Lance observed that the honoree didn t always have to boast such gravitas, which is why he was delighted to bestow the city s freedom on his old buddy on this night of nights . Tears streaming down his face, he then called me to the stage.
As the crowd of some tens of people applauded, and Lance put his onion back in his pocket, I took the mic. Give it back, you thieving bastard, the manager quipped good-naturedly, and we all laughed until we stopped.
Then in a quiet but firm voice, I began my formal address:
Samuel J. Snort Esq, I read, c/o Snort Towers, Dublin, Ireland.
The formalities thus completed, I declaimed those aforementioned famous words of freedom and two cocktail waitressess sustained minor injuries in the rush for the bar.
Discount Drinks
As one might expect, the Freedom Of The City indeed, the freedom of any city, even a certified dump like Boise, Idaho brings with it certain privileges. For example, Sam Snort is now entitled to discount drinks (for two) during Happy Hour at the Blue Wasp. According to the old records, I am also entitled to take any faire ladie of the towne, whomsoever I wishe, her to deflower with or without the consent or her husbande but juste so longe as she is up for it. As the mayor quipped: So what s new there, Sam, eh? while behind his back the Lady Mayoress averted her eyes and smiled knowingly.
Of course, the Freedom Of The City also brings with it certain responsibilities such as defending the town in times of siege, saying nice things about missing Asian babes and posing with sheep for daft publicity pictures. These I intend to fully ignore to the best of my capabilities.
Otherwise, having tasted the bracing air of freedom, I already crave more. Fuck Dublin, the weather is shite there anyway, especially for shepherds. No, Sam Snort has his sights set on sunnier climes.
Today, Boise, Idaho, tomorrow . . . Orlando, Florida.
Your ever-lovin Samuel J. Snort Esq.