I don't

On behalf of myself and my dear lady wife, Mrs Arabella Snort (Note to sub-editor: please confirm first name), I would like today to address the subject of the scurrilous rumours which have recently been spread about the state of our marriage.

Among the allegations made are that I have had a so-called ‘lovechild’ with another woman and that I have also had a string of affairs with a whole posse of lovelies, some of them so famous that they are even well-known to members of their own families. For the record, these allegations, which have apparently preoccupied Dublin’s chattering classes for months, have been summarily dismissed by those who should know what is really going on, such as flame-haired temptress and top investigative journalist, Harriet Ego.
Thanks to her, a picture has been painted of myself as a devoted family man who likes nothing better than to surprise my beloved with lavish gifts – such as a motorbike, a private plane or even a cowboy outfit (eg the ESB) - and who can always be found, at virtually any hour of the day or night, slow-dancing with Arabella to Chris de Burgh records at a charity do in the south of France. As you do.

Decadent And Depraved
Today, I would like to set the record straight about allegations which have pained and aggrieved me and which go to the very core of my personal credibility as an artist, commentator and pillar of the community: in short, Sam Snort would like to make it clear that he will bring the full weight of the law to bear on the next person who dares to allege that I have ever been faithful to my wife.
Similarly, even the vaguest implication to the effect that I have not had a lovechild will be vigorously contested in the High Court, where documentary evidence will be produced conclusively proving the existence and indeed rapid expansion of an international network of children’s homes, populated entirely by the offspring of Samuel J. Snort Esq. (For further information see www.who’sthedaddy?.com).
Sam Snort has spent too many years carefully constructing a reputation as a master of all that is decadent and depraved to risk having it all flushed down the pan by people who only want to say a good word about everybody – especially if they think it’ll blag them the odd ride in a chopper or the occasional bottle of mid-priced plonk.
No, Sam Snort has kept his silence for far too long. Let all the world hear this: I have not had sexual relations with that woman, Arabella Snort, in over six years, partly because she spends most of her time doing really great work for charity but mainly because I have spent most of that same time having sexual relations with everybody else. Either that or drinking too much or doing too many drugs or making porn movies. Oh yeah, and giving night-classes to Olaf Tyaransen.
So, to be fair, that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for Mrs Snort.

Massive Commitment
But then no-one ever said marriage was easy. As my old mate Liam Fay once put it: “As the parents of Andrew Strong know only too well, marriage involves the making of a massive commitment.” Which is true, and why I must say I am very saddened to hear of the reported break-up of the marriage of Brian McFadden and Eric Cantona.
Not being someone who pays much attention to the world of light entertainment, I am perhaps one of the few people on the planet who didn’t know that the lovely Brian had actually gotten hitched to the retired, moody, footballing superstar from France.
I’m sure it must be very difficult to live with someone who talks to sardines and is probably prone to leaping over a hedge and kung-fu kicking the annoying neighbours – and who, lest we forget, is a cheese-eating surrender monkey, to boot – but Sam is very much looking forward to giving it a go when Eric fetches up at Snort Towers, as he inevitably will.
After all, they all do. Except, of course, Mrs Snort. And anyone who says differently will be hearing from my solicitors.

Your ever lovin’ Samuel J. Snort Esq