Way back in the day, the Rolling Stones – even then regarded by critics as the “oldest rock ‘n’ roll band in the world” – were wont to inflate a gigantic phallus onstage, which Mr Michael Philip Jagger would proceed to straddle whilst wrapping his lips around such felicitous pop poetry as: “She blew my nose and then she blew my mind.”

Rolling Stone, where I was working as a gossip columnist and drug supplier at the time, ran a picture of Jags astride the beast, beneath the visually clever headline ‘THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD’.

Clever but not, I insist to this day, a patch on my own suggested billing for the controversial shot: ‘STONES ON STAGE – SPOT THE BIG PRICK’. Unfortunately, Yawn Wenner, founder and editor of the Stone, sanctioned my contribution on the grounds that it was “disrespectful to musicians”, with the result that I was forced to quit that lowdown gig for good, although not before setting fire to his collection of cheesecloth shirts and loon pants, and spiking his Pepsi Lite.

Opium pipe

Memories of those innocent days were inspired by the news that the Stones themselves now face censorship as they prepare to embark on their first ever tour of China.

According to reports, the country’s Culture Ministry – which last year deleted tracks from the band’s Forty Licks best-of collection, their first official release in China – have forbidden the wrinkliest rock ‘n’ roll band in the world from performing such greatest hits as ‘Brown Sugar’, ‘Honky Tonk Women’, ‘Beast Of Burden’ and ‘Let’s Spend The Night Together’ because, as one source has it, “the tunes contain too much sexual innuendo for the masses”.

Well, alright, that’s fair enough – though I do think the Chinese Feds have got the wrong end of the stick with regard to ‘Brown Sugar’ claiming, as they do, that it contains “interracial overtones”. Oh, really? Sam always thought it was just a simple song about smack, and I’m sure once Keef explains this in person to whoever the new Chairman is, the authorities will relax, see the funny side of their mistake and pass ’round the opium pipe.

Oddly enough, considering their track record in rolling over youthful protestors with tanks, the Chinese old guard don’t seem to have any particular problem with ‘Street Fighting Men’. Similarly, such tender pop delicacies as ‘Turd On The Run’, ‘Starfucker’ and ‘Cocksucker Blues’ seem to have escaped the attentions of the lads in the nicely tailored Beatle jackets. Either that or they couldn’t make out the words on all those dodgy bootlegs that have flooded in from the west since the Stones first surfaced doing Chuck Berry covers, some time during the Ming Dynasty.

Co-incidentally, this was also the era (at least I say it is) of the building of the Great Wall, and it is now widely believed by historians that its main purpose was to ensure that Bill Wyman would never get in to defile the young maidens of that great land. After all, they’re small women, in the main, and there’s always the danger that the randy old goat would get the wrong impression.

Therefore, it’s no coincidence surely that the first official invitation to the Stones to visit China has come only after Bill has well and truly departed the fold, and the rest of the band are so ancient and enfeebled that it’s highly unlikely they would be physically capable of causing a stir by, say, whipping out their Mars Bars and conducting a who-can-piss-the-highest competition against the Great Wall itself.

Baldy Geezers

One can only imagine the astonishment with which the street-fighting kids of China, setting eyes on the western rock revolutionaries in the flesh for the first time, will realise that their heroes are now approximately twice as old as the baldy geezers who run the show in their homeland.

How will the pop kids react when they see Charlie Watts wheeled out in a bath chair, a tartan rug covering his frail, sparrow-like legs, to take up position behind the drums. Or Ron ‘n’ Keef, as indistinguishable one from the other as Saddam and his doubles, with a veritable battlefield of trenches, pits and supply lines carved into their faces? Or Mick, now looking and sounding more and more like the Queen herself, although obviously without her fantastically debauched lifestyle?

Yes, when they first set eyes on the faces of the grand old men of satanic rock, I’d imagine the last thing the Chinese will want them to do is get their ya-yas out. But, as for the Stones, well, who knows, the experience may yet serve to boost their long-life batteries still further. Certainly, this desk has heard rumours that a live album may result from their tour of China.
Working title? Mao, That’s What I Call Music.

Your ever lovin’ Samuel J. Snort Esq