NO SEX PLEASE, WE’RE AMERICAN

I think it is the saddest thing that I have ever read. As my old buddy ‘Smokey’ Robinson used to say, it is sadder than sad. But it demands to be investigated, and when it comes to thorough investigations, Sam is your proverbial man.

There’s this Sex Survey, see, done in the United States, and it contains some very weird shit indeed. Unbelievable shit, literally.

It says that in the past year, 23% of men, being of sound mind and “unattached” body, as it were, have not fucked a living soul.

About a quarter of the peckers of America have been lying idle for the past year, alienated from their natural purpose!

It gets worse, with the babes, because 32% of them have had no contact of a proper kind with the human porksword, or indeed its female equivalent. Yep, one-third of unattached Yankee babes have not tasted the mutton dagger for over a year.

Are we expected to believe this horse-shit? According to the Kinsey Report, they were at it like maniacs during the fifties. So are we expected to believe that after the era of Peace, Leurve and Understanding, our trans-Atlantic cousins have returned their mutton daggers to the scabbard – mutton daggers which they brandished with such wild abandon in the era of Perry Como? Well. ARE WE?

This will not do at all. This will not do at fucking all.

Devil Woman

Admittedly, Kinsey’s methods have been questioned, because among the people surveyed was one called Samuel J. Snort.

Yeah, I tried to give old Kinsey an accurate picture of my annual cavortings, I truly did. But in some categories, such as ten-in-the-bed romps, I had to put down “Don’t Know”. It could have been nine, it could have been eleven, you kinda lose count with all of that poontang in your face.

Certain commentators are saying that by including Sam Snort in his calculations, old Kinsey came up with unrepresentative statistics. They say that by reckoning with the Snortian pecker, a huge imbalance was introduced to the average figures.

Now they are saying that the current survey is more precise, because the subjects are all normal people. Normal people! No, they fucking well are not normal people. They are dead fucking people.

Only 7% of non-cohabiting men and 5% of women have done the business four or more times a week over the past year. Can you believe it? In an entire week, they can barely give four fucks. Sam Snort would expect to be notching up such averages in his goddam lunch-hour.

And get this, from the prisoners of matrimony, whose tedious lives offer the small compensation that they don’t have to go out chasing poontang like the rest of us, and getting into arguments with the police. Get this!

Forty-three percent of these lubes get their ya-yas out “a few times a month”. For babes, it’s 47%. You read those figures right. Nearly half of the scoundrels take Hissing Sid for a stroll a mere “few times a month”.

I mean, why bother at all? Why not get the devil-woman Bobbitt to slice off the old chap and hang it up in a freaking museum?

Thirteen percent of these stiffs make sweet leurve “a few times a year”, and 12% of chicks are in the same wretched boat.

A few times a year? Like when the fucking circus comes to town and all the excitement gives them a boner?

Bumpy Ride

There seems to be a serious problem here, a misunderstanding based on the idea that the old mutton dagger is for pissing through and no more.

And what of blow-jobs? What of mouth-to-pecker resuscitation? For men, 27%, for women 19%.

Well now, I suppose if they can’t get it up for the missionary position, it’s a bit much to ask them for an old sixty-nine.

Sad, sad, sad.

Ten percent of men have had it up the ass, and 9% of women. Again, this is so negligible, it was hardly worth counting. It looks like the tradesman’s entrance is as seldom used as the front door.

So we move on to skin-flicks, and find that 23% of chaps have bought a porno video in the last year, 11% of babes.

By my rough calculations, Sam Snort has appeared in 23% of stag movies released last year, so perhaps America might learn by my example.

Fuck-witted religion is also on the menu, with Catholics between the ages of 18 and 58 most likely to be virgins.

What are virgins? Have I missed something? Are they members of the human race or one of these new religions who lock themselves away in a barn, leaving the fuzz with no alternative but to torch the place?

Very peculiar stuff all round. Very peculiar.

Then it seems that conservative Protestant women are most likely to come while on the job. So it’s off to the serving-circle for Sam, and a word in the ear of Mrs Wendy Carruthers.

Immersing myself in all this sadness, it suddenly struck me that this survey simply has to be a farce. And then I figured out why . . .

There is one question missing, a blindingly obvious one, but one that is clearly not there. “How often have you had sex with Sam Snort during the past year?”

Aye, there’s the rub. That’s the one to tip the balance. That is the question on everyone’s lips.

Pick your continent and start counting. We’re in for a bumpy ride.