Greetings dear readers, and welcome to the very first sentence of what will hopefully become 1,000 or so words of pure literary genius from the pen of Ireland’s greatest undying rock columnist, Samuel J. Snort.

Actually, I’m pretty hungover as I write this so I’m afraid I can’t guarantee pure genius this week. I can’t even promise impure genius. In fact, I’ll be doing fucking well if all the words out come in the order right. Shit!
Despite my many years of alcohol-fuelled carousing, Sam Snort doesn’t normally get hangovers. Usually I just do a Shane MacGowan on it and simply keep on drinking. Last night, though, I got so hammered that I forgot to keep on getting hammered and, well, I’m sorry is all I’ll say.
Speaking of Shane MacGowan, I believe that some congratulations are in order. After years of breaking up, getting back together and breaking up again, he and the lovely Victoria Mary Clarke are apparently planning on finally tying the knot.
The Strife of Brian
By all accounts, those vacuous dead-eyed types at Hello! magazine have expressed an interest in buying their wedding pics. Hardly surprising given the calibre of the couple’s celebrity friends. Pete Doherty, Kate Moss, Matt Dillon, Johnny Depp, Michael McDowell, Grainne Kenny – everyone who’s anyone will be there.
However, they’d want to be careful. Recently in the Sindo, former Westlifer Brian McFadden told Joe Jackson about his Hello! nightmare: “Do you know what I hated, hated, hated?” he asked Joe, Joe, Joe. “Hello! doing our wedding album. She [Kerry Chipshop] loved it. I detested all the ‘arms around each other’ or ‘sitting at piano’ photos. And I remember one day in Spain the guy gave us two water pistols and said, ‘Can you run around shooting each other?’ and I said, ‘I’m not doing this, you can keep your money, I’m fucking done with it.’
“We’d a massive falling out over this, me and Kerry, and I said it was the last time I’d do anything like that, and we never got the money from Hello! Because we didn’t give them what they wanted, even if they did use the photos.”
Somehow or other I can’t imagine Shane MacGowan responding too kindly to such a request from a Hello! photographer. Unless of course, there was something stronger than water in the pistols.
Anyway, whether they sell their wedding pictures or not, congratulations to them both. They’re a lovely couple. And at least one of them is lovely looking to boot.
Speaking of Hello! weddings, I see that Coleen McLoughlin and Wayne Rooney have sold the picture rights to theirs for a staggering €2.2 million. To ensure that no Goodbye! style paparazzi manages to get a sneaky shot, their 350 guests will have to go through tight security and a massive 18ft wall is being erected at their Cheshire Mansion.
But why the fuck am I wasting valuable column inches writing about Hello! magazine, Brian McFadden and a chimplike footballer? I’ve already told you – I’m seriously fucking hungover! You want quality journalism, go read McCann!

Good Knight and Good Luck
Congratulations are also due to Mr. Paul ‘Bono’ Hewson who accepted an honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth last week. Well, actually, Lizzie didn’t give him the award personally. The U2 frontman picked up the honour during a brief ceremony at British ambassador David Reddaway’s official Dublin residence.
Apparently Bono has requested that commoners are not to address him as ‘Sir’. Instead, he’s like them to continue calling him ‘Mister’.
Unsurprisingly, the begrudgers are already complaining about it, and asking questions like how will he ever be able to sing ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’ again whilst keeping a straight face? But fuck them!

A Royal Mess
Speaking of Queen Elizabeth, I see that the makers of South Park have incurred the wrath of some British ex-pats for a recent episode in which Lizzie blows her brains out after her plot to conquer America has been foiled.
“It’s an absolute disgrace,” one Englishman in New York (apparently not Sting) thundered. “At a time when English service personnel are being held hostage, this is extremely insensitive. It should have either been banned outright or postponed until after the current crisis.”
Had the makers of South Park been Asian-based, they might have been a tad more sensitive to royalty. Tough luck to Swiss businessman Oliver Jufer, who received a 10-year sentence in Chiang Mai, Thailand last week, convicted on charges of lèse majesté.
If you’re unfamiliar with this French expression, let me tell you that it comes from the Latin ‘Laesa majestas’, and means ‘(the crime of) injury to the Majesty’.
Jufer hadn’t caused any physical harm to anybody, but the 57-year-old still fucked up bigtime. His actual offence? Upset that his local bar was closed to honor King Bhumibol Adulyadej’s 79th birthday last December 5, he’d drunkenly thrown black paint over five street portraits of the world’s longest ruling monarch.
Bad move. The Thai people revere their King the way adolescent girls revere Sam Snort. While they’re shockingly tolerant in many respects, insulting their king is a big no-no. He’s seen as a demigod, and to demean him in any way is considered blasphemous.
Jufer actually faced a grand total of 75 years so he should count himself lucky that he only received ten. Then again, Thai prison years can be measured like dog years – each one is worth about seven.

Tug of Love
Speaking of defacing street portraits of demigods, Sam Snort was staggering down Strand Street last week, when he spotted a billboard advertising John Carney’s excellent new flick Once.
Some smartarse had stuck up a sign with the letter ‘P’. The billboard now says Ponce. Mr. Hansard is not amused.
Finally, I see that Durex is launching an appeal in Ireland to find lovers, fuck-buddies and posh wankers to test out their products. They’re calling this carnal campaign ‘On The Job’. Raul and Ernesto have already signed up.
According to Durex spokesperson Claire Totten, “What’s behind it isn’t some crazy kind of ‘60s love-in. We want to create a massive panel of testers who can use our condoms, have sex and then give us feedback about their experiences – in strictest confidence, of course.”
While Samuel J. Snort wholly approves of the use of contraception, I couldn’t help thinking what a load of rubbers!
Surely they should be doing these tests in Africa? Maybe Mr. Bono can have a word.