Oh, bubba! There’s been a helluva lot of hairy horseshite appearing in the public prints recently, advising people what to do with their, em, hard-earned SSIA cash.
Mostly these patronising articles are scribed by the kind of twisted and tight-fisted twats who still have their confirmation money wedged tightly up their greased arseholes, like Papillon during a prison transfer. Trust me, these skinflint fuckers are not to be trusted.
Sure, their investment tips might make you a little better off, but, as the late Bill Burroughs once asked, who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery? We’re here for a good time, not for a long time, so Samuel J. Snort’s advice is blow your SSIA like an eager Vietnamese crackwhore.
The question, though, is how. I’ve had many years experience of financially advising such luminaries as Willy Nelson, Michael Jackson, Ray Burke, Nick Leeson and my homies on the Enron board. What follows is a random sample of just some of the hundreds of SSIA spending suggestions to be found up my internet paysite www.spendinitsamstyle.com.
I mean, seriously, who’d you rather trust? Yours truly or that whingey swot George Lee?
Record A Single
For years you’ve been telling everybody who’d listen that you have what it takes to make it in the music business, but just haven’t been able to get a decent break. Well, no more excuses, bubba! Time to put up or shut up. Digital studio technology has never been so cheap and your SSIA money should easily fund a recording session and a promo video to showcase your, em, talents. If it worked for The Office’s David Brent, it can work for you.
As it happens, Snort Towers has recently acquired a new built in 48-track studio, with an ex-member of Foghat overseeing the mixing desk (actually, he’s been guarding it with a double barrelled shotgun for the last week, but the acid should wear off eventually). My good buddy Cameron ‘Cumshot’ Fernandez is also between movie projects at the moment and, for an appropriate fee, will happily shoot a promo video for you. A team of top stylists are also available (topless stylists cost a little more). Finally, as legendary and well-connected rock journalists, myself and BP Fallon shall handle all of your press. Just pay up front for the whole package, sign there, and consider yourself done.
Invest In A Pyramid Scheme
Yeah, yeah, I know. That four-eyed twerp, Eddie fuckin’ Hobbs, thinks that pyramid schemes are a bad idea. But what the hell does he know? Listen to your Uncle Sam – any fucker that tells you pyramid schemes are a bad investment just suffers from a serious lack of imagination. Don’t believe me? Just look at Egypt. They built their pyramids thousands of years ago, and those dusty piles of bricks are still bringing in the tourists. So pyramids are obviously an excellent long-term investment, and it’s about time Ireland built some of its own. Possibly in the midlands.
Join The K-club
Membership of Ireland’s most up-its-own-arse club is supposedly exclusive, but it actually only costs about ten grand per year. Shelling out ten big ones to socialise with the ruddy-cheeked captains of Irish industry and their Hermes-handbag wielding trophy wives doesn’t sound like a very wise or worthwhile investment, but hear me out. Once you and your grungy mates start hanging out in the ‘K’, reading copies of An Phoblacht and Socialist Worker in the reading room, singing old Wolfe Tones numbers in the bar, ordering chips and burgers in the restaurant, and having kickabouts on the manicured lawn, the panicked management will undoubtedly pay you handsomely just to leave. Worked for me, anyway.
Launch A Frivolous Lawsuit
A few months ago, a middle-aged American motorist put his brand new camper van into cruise control on a busy highway, and then went down the back to make himself a cup of coffee. When the van inevitably crashed, breaking his leg and spilling his coffee, he sued the manufacturer for not explaining in its manual that cruise control didn’t mean the van would drive itself. You think that guy sounds like a bit of a fool, yeah? Fucker walked away with millions.
The point is that they’ve been getting away with this kind of shite in the States for years and, with a surplus of dodgy lawyers in this country, all hungry for your SSIA cash, there’s no reason why you can’t sue somebody for a spurious reason too. Traumatised by Bosco as a young child? Sue RTE! Crashed your car whilst driving under the influence? Sue Budweiser! Cut yourself whilst shaving? Sue Gillette! Food-poisoned in a Japanese restaurant? Sushi!
Give It To Charity
Don’t worry – that was just a little joke. You’ve earned your SSIA cash from your skill, talent, hard work and enterprise, and deserve every last cent.
Humiliate A Celebrity
Most Irish celebrities have all the charisma and personality of a plank (except for the flamboyant Pat Kenny), yet they somehow still make serious wedge doing guest appearances and corporate speeches. With your SSIA money, you could hire someone out for the day and force them to give a speech at a totally inappropriate function. So book Ryan Tubridy to give a talk about homo-eroticism in ancient Greece at your local hurling club, then sit back and enjoy the fireworks. It’ll be worth every cent.
Take Someone Out
No, I don’t mean for dinner. Years and years of inept and short-sighted government policies have left Irish society with a veritable army of disgruntled have-nots, armed to the teeth and coked to the nostrils. Why not turn this sorry situation to your advantage and employ one of them to assassinate an old enemy or business/love rival? Most of these scumbags will happily shoot anybody for the price of a Playstation game or a gram of coke.
If there’s nobody you know that you particularly want killed, why not have a complete stranger shot? Do it for the craic! It’ll give you an enormous sense of power and well-being.
Develop A Cocaine Habit
Everybody else is doing it so why can’t you? With your new found SSIA wealth, there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t develop a soul and septum destroying cocaine habit too! I don’t mean the talcum gak that’s passing for coke in Ireland nowadays. Courtesy of my extensive Bolivian connections, Sam can help you get your sweaty mitts on the real deal. If you’re lucky, after a couple of snowblind months, you might have enough left over for rehab. But, in fairness, it’s unlikely.
Burn It
A few years ago, my old muckers The KLF filmed themselves burning a million quid in a field on a remote Scottish island. When critics moaned that they should’ve donated it to charity, the band responded by saying that nobody would’ve given a flying fuck if they’d blown the lot on swimming pools, expensive cars or a short holiday in Ireland. By burning it they were showing that they had conquered their inner materialists (or something like that). While torching your cash might earn you near-universal derision, you’ll have my eternal respect.
Admittedly, my eternal respect has no cash value.
Donate It To The Political Opposition
No doubt about it, the SSIA scheme was created by Fianna Fail for one reason and one reason only – to bribe idiot voters in the run-up to the next election. Foil Charlie McCreevy’s cunning plan by giving the money to Inda Kinny’s or Pat Rabbitt-On’s election funds instead. It’ll be worth it just for the look on Bertie’s face.
Pay Me
You read right – pay me! You didn’t think this advice was being given away for free did you?