I am indebted to the newspaper of record – that’s the Evening Herald to you – for brightening up a dreary February day at Snort Towers last week, with a superb analysis of the impending royal nuptials. The uncommonly wordy headline captures the essence of this fine piece of journalism: ‘Sex up in a tree, groping, illicit trysts… yes, what exactly is it that Charles sees in Camilla?’

Lovely hurling.
Reading on, we learn that Chas ‘n’ Cam were never shy about revealing their affection for each other. About 25 years ago, they attended a ball where Cam pretty much abandoned her husband Andrew Parker Bowles in order to wear the royal face off yer man.
Recalled a guest: “What happened was quite astonishing. Charles and the Parker Bowles shared the same table…” – well, they’d hardly share a different one, sez you – “and Charles spent the whole evening dancing with Camilla. They were kissing passionately, as they danced, French-kissing each other, dance after dance.”
And what did the good Mr Bowles do about this carry-on?
“Andrew wasn’t quite sure how to react, he sat there smiling and saying to people, ‘HRH is very fond of my wife and she appears very fond of him’.”
Well, I don’t know about you, but in the ancient annals of stiff upper lipdom, I think that that surely deserves some kind of medal. I mean, here was Chas, engaged in a very public display of stiff upper dickdom, with the royal tongue halfway down Cam’s throat, and instead of jumping up and shouting, ‘take your fucking hands off my missus, you preposterous royal fuck’, Andy retained enough self-control to calmly refer to the hammerman-to-the-throne as ‘HRH’.
Stunning.

Relentlessly Horny

On another occasion, we read that Cam was at her grandmother’s house, waiting for a visit from Chas, when the dear old gran, a Mrs Cubitt, noticed that her granddaughter was wearing jeans barely held together at the crotch by a safety pin. Mrs Cubitt was shocked: “I can even see your drawers, Camilla,” she said. And Camilla replied: “Oh, Charles won’t mind that.”
Still, you can understand poor Mrs Cubitt’s astonishment: like the rest of us she must have been taken aback to learn that the apparently relentlessly horny Cam actually went to the bother of putting on ‘drawers’.
Best of all though, is the yarn about the time the Prince’s bodyguard was dissuaded from seeing him by an alert butler who knew that Chas ‘n’ Cam were going at it like rutting elks in the garden. Or as a source put it: “He’d have been very embarrassed if he had found them – they were up a tree doing what Lady Chatterley enjoyed best.”
Well, lookit, Sam has seen a lot of things over many years on the road with Foghat, but I’m not sure that even the lads in Motley Crue have ever managed to do the third leg boogie up a tree. Talk about the morning wood.
Truly, the British royal family is stunningly, breathtakingly, magnificently, incomparably, decadent and depraved.
Which is why Sam loves ‘em, of course. There isn’t an ounce of sense or simple decency between the whole lot of them but for outrageous hammer action on a grand scale, they just can’t be beaten. Or at least not without the use of a horsewhip and saddle soap.
Class.
And yet, and yet…Sam, sadly, finds that the can’t give his blessing to the latest royal marriage. And it’s all because of what Chas did to the lovely Lady Di. Here was a delightful young woman, more or less selected by the royalists solely for breeding purposes, and Chas went along with the whole charade even though he had the hots for none but Camilla.
You might think that a man who can do it up a tree or tongue-wrestle with another man’s wife in full view of her husband, would have enough balls to tell his own people to go fuck themselves but, no, down the aisle he went, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else, and all because the woman he truly loved and lusted after, by virtue of not being a virgin, was considered ‘damaged goods’ by the establishment.

Outlaw Humping

Lady Di has since been bugled to Jesus, of course, and we all miss her very much – though not as much as Chris de Burgh, of course – so the way is now clear for Chas ‘n’ Cam to do what some saddoes like to call ‘the decent thing’.
However, because Sam Snort is altogether more interested in doing the indecent thing, I reckon it will be a great loss to the world of outlaw humping and juicy gossip when the daft old pair go legit.
Still, all is not lost: the boy Harry looks a bit special.

Your ever lovin’ Samuel J. Snort esq