I see that The Pope is planning another visit to Ireland. Well, Sam Snort doesn’t think that’s a very good idea. And not because your correspondent has always been an implacable opponent of Mother Church, along with all other manifestations of the Anti-Happiness League - no, let’s be honest, we won that battle a long time ago.

This time, it’s personal. As something of a showbiz veteran myself, I’d simply hate to see the hardest-working man on the international religious circuit taking on one gig too many.
Still, you can understand why he might be tempted. Last time he was here, in 1979, the young people were mad for it. As The Clash nearly said at the time, you couldn’t give ‘em enough Pope. Such was the hysteria which surrounded his youth mass in Galway that you’d swear John Paul had brought George and Ringo with him - papalmania was born.
Of course, he topped a stellar clerical bill that day - both Michael Cleary and Eamonn Casey played support to the great man, adding a touch of dirty, outlaw rock ‘n’ roll glamour to proceedings. The men in black, indeed. I seem to recall a young Joe Duffy was there or thereabouts too but, fair play to him, even at an impressionable age he somehow managed not to have his head turned by the heady booze, babes and baccy lifestyle of the star attractions. And, hey, look who’s father confessor to the nation now!

Killer Riff
But even the heaviest names that the Irish religion industry could give the world in the late 70s were no match for the superstar headliner - at Galway racecourse on that never-to-be forgotten, red-letter day (Get someone to check the date, will ya - Snort) they all went under the thunder of the man from the Vatican.
“Jung peepul of Ireland, I luff you” - that was his killer riff, the one that drove the kiddies wild, the zinger that sent ‘em right over the top, like the mighty Purple doing ‘Smoke On The Water’.
But that was then and this is now. Sam actually saw the Purps at The Point last year - for a bet, like - and they were so fucking atrocious that he had to leave before they even smoked the h2o. Frankly, I now have similar fears about John Paul - I mean, what a bummer it would be if the greatest Pope in the world ever, ended up going the same way as Richie Blackmore.
Or think of Spinal Tap, whose appeal famously became increasingly “selective”. With the market here collapsing for old style religious voodoo, isn’t there a danger that The Pope too will be forced to downsize? It may even be a case of: last time, The Phoenix Park, this time Whelan’s. And no offence to the fine Wexford Street venue, but unless JP works up an alt.country routine damn quick, he may not even kill there. The Pope Unplugged? Nah, like Simple Minds, if he’s not a stadium act, he’s nothing.
Which leaves him with what, exactly? Jeez, what an ugly thought - The Pope reduced to a PA in HMV and maybe a funny interview with that weather dude on TV3’s breakfast show.
Is there any upside at all? Well, his old mate Bono will surely have him out to Killiney for a bite to eat, and should he go up north, the rival religious dingbats are bound to protest which - as Il Papa’s showbiz peers Marilyn Manson, Slipknot et al will happily confirm - is never bad for business.

Funny Hat
Frankly, it’s not a lot to be going on with but – you know what? – it’ll probably be enough for the big man. Like Bob Dylan and his Never Ending Tour, JP is the voice of another generation who simply knows no other way of life. So one more time with feeling, it’ll be out with the old Popemobile, the funny hat and the big throne, and off around the circuit again, even if most of the shows in the gig guide will have to be marked ‘TBC’.
Papa, he ain’t got a brand new bag, just the same old greatest hits that wowed ‘em in the 70s but sound very prog rock today. And if he does insist on coming, I’d give him just one word of advice. Pops: drop the bit about loving the young people - all those tribute acts that came after you in your prime pretty much ruined that one for everybody.

Your ever lovin’ Samuel J. Snort Esq