What has become of the Olympic Games? Sam Snort can't be the only fan of this great world event who is frankly aghast at the way that tradition appears to count for nothing anymore.

It used to be said that the Olympic ideal was not about winning but about taking part. No it wasn't, it was about taking drugs. And now the organisers are fucking it all up.

Thanks to the introduction of blood testing, it looks like the Sydney Olympics will be robbed of some of the finest specimens of chemically-enhanced humanity ever to slope, Frankenstein-like, out of a laboratory. Already, 30 Chinese athletes have mysteriously dropped out, seriously depleting the ranks of the famous Ma's Army , named in honour of their Midas touch trainer, and my old buddy, Ma Jurean.
The first I knew about this ugly turn of events was when I collected a whispered wee hours message on the Snort Towers telephone hot line which went something like: Sam, Ma here. This is the last time we will speak. Please do not come to China again. I have no more turtle's blood for you. Or caterpillar fungus, for that matter. Don't even ring. Or write. I've never heard of you and you've never heard of me. This phone call never happened.
The poor bastard was obviously panicked so, knowing how fond he was of the Bob Dylan bootlegs I used to slip him on furtive visits to his high altitude training camp in Tibet, I promptly left the following message on his answering machine: It's alright, Ma, it's life and life only .
By the way, I wasn't joking about the turtle's blood or the caterpillar fungus Ma really does claim that this is what gives his runners the edge.
And who am I to disagree? Frankly, after snorting some of Ma's Grade A caterpillar fungus, I can sometimes feel a bit edgy myself.
Furry Handcuffs
However, let us not lose sight of the big picture here. The real story isn't about a setback for one man or even a small army of curiously men-like women. No, it's about the dismantling of the whole drug ethos for which the Olympic Games have become world renowned.
It is no accident that the Olympic motto "Faster, Higher, Stronger" could easily be the title of a Motorhead anthem, still less that, closer to home, it sounds remarkably like the legend on the Snort family crest ( Faster, Higher, Longer ). Frankly, chemical excess and the Olympic Games are so hand in glove that it is no more possible to think of one without the other, than it is to think of, say, sex without the furry handcuffs.
Conceive, if you will, of how fantastically boring an Olympiad without the drugs will be. The whole thing will suffer as a freak spectacle there'll be no male weightlifters with prominent mazoomas, no female shot-putters with deep voices and not even one lady swimmer with a full beard, never mind a dainty, tasteful moustache. Fuck's sake, if that's the way of the future, they'd be better off screening the Jim Rose Circus once every four years.
Needless to say, Sam Snort is not taking this lying down, which makes a change since he normally takes everything else from Jazz Woodbines to oral relief in that most comfortable position.
Au contraire, the Snortian one is pleased to announce that in direct competition to the Drug Free Olympics, he will be hosting a Free Drug Olympics in the grounds of Snort Towers later this month.
Among the innovative disciplines to watch out for will be: The Psychedelic Marathon (in which competitors are force-fed magic mushrooms; the first one to see god wins); The Hop, Skip and Hump (a triathalon concluding with vigorous sex); The Four x Third Leg Boogie Relay (a group sex event); Rifle Shooting (with live ammunition and live animals); Watersports (and lots of em); Volleybollocks (nude volleyball); Basketbollocks (nude basketball) and Completebollocks (the opening ceremony, so no change there).
Needless to say, drug testing will be mandatory and anyone whose piss fails to at least stain and preferably melt the old plastic cup will be named and shamed on the Snort website and banned from ever again gaining entry to a Foghat gig.
Butt Naked
In advance of this great occasion, Sam would like to issue this heartfelt invitation to the young people of the world - come to Snort Towers next month in a spirit of international peace and harmony. Embrace your brothers and sisters and wish them well. Salute your nation's flag and respect the flag of your competitor. Be still and silent for the anthems.
Then, in the immortal words of Baron De Coubertin: Let's git butt naked an' fuck!

Your ever lovin' Samuel J. Snort Esq