Sam attended a Give Up Smoking Course last week. It was great. Just give me a second here to fire up a Marlboro and I’ll tell you all about it.

The best thing about the course was that you were allowed to smoke all the way through. The idea is that this is the easy way to quit smoking but – call me old-fashioned, if you will – to Sam it actually seemed much more like an easy way to smoke. Ashtrays everywhere, a fan going, everyone puffing furiously – to tell the truth, it was kind of like baccy heaven.

Admittedly, there was a ritual torching of the final cheroot with about 15 minutes to go, at which point some people got very nervous. But since Sam never regarded the whole experience as anything other than another chapter in his ongoing research into the human experience – and certainly not any kind of serious bid to quit smoking – this “final” cigarette was a bit like a Frank Sinatra “retirement” gig: not to be taken too literally.

So, while the other unfortunates stared longingly into the overflowing ashtrays and wondered how they could ever live a happy life without sucking on old Dr Player’s Finest Lungrot, Sam simply hoped that the end-of-session relaxation therapy wouldn’t detain him too long from an urgent appointment in the nearest bar with a pack of 20, a half dozen Bloody Marys and a copy of The Racing Post.

Corrosive Hacking

As it happened, the relaxation therapy achieved such a high octane level of intensity that it would have wound up Ming The Merciless even if he’d just ingested half a pound of Colombian Gold.

On paper, it probably sounded fine: lights out, everybody sitting comfortably and the therapist reading a soothing passage about life on a higher plane. In reality, the corrosive hacking in the dark of a dozen confirmed devotees of the weed meant that it went something like this: “Imagine yourself in a beautiful walled garden. (Hurrrgh). The sun is shining, the leaves are stirring in the gentlest breeze. (Hurrrgh. Splutter. Wharragh). Birds are singing in the trees (Whooogh. Whooooogh. HARRRRGH!) and you feel calm and serene and totally at peace. (HAAAARGH! WHARRAGH!! HUUUURGH!!! Excuse me. WHOOOOOOORRRGH!!!!)

It was round about then that the therapist turned on the lights – but not before I saw her surreptitiously pocket one of the packs that we had deposited in a rubbish bag in the centre of the room as a token of our commitment to the new nicotine-free life upon which we were about to embark.

Observing too that the course offered a money back guarantee if you cracked within three months, I decided to save on post and packaging by “going back on the fags” before I’d even left the room. That way, I was able to collect my dosh and get some change for the cigarette machine before repairing to the bar to contemplate the many mysteries of life.

It was ‘round about Player Number 6 (and Bloody Mary Number 7) that the way forward suddenly became clear. What the world needs is not yet another smartarse teaching people how to stop but someone with the solid gold balls to teach people how to go. And that person, you’ll not be surprised to learn, goes by the name of Samuel J. Snort Esq.

Drinking Binge

So please allow me to unveil my latest masterplan: The Sam Snort Easy Way To Quit Quitting. Guaranteed no withdrawal symptoms with special reduced rates for those who are still in the early stages of experimentation with their first drink or cigarette.

Here’s how it works: every time you put out a Camel or drain another Powers, you immediately light another smoke, order another drink and – most importantly – send the monetary equivalent to the Sam Snort Easy Way To Quit Quitting.

This way, you can pursue the unhealthy lifestyle of your choice but without any of the destructive guilt which so often ruins a good smoke or a 72 hour drinking binge. See how impressed your neighbours will be when you turn up at their front door at 4am with your trousers on fire! Enjoy the security of knowing exactly what’s at the root of those seismic coughing fits! Give the doctors a good laugh when your go for a check up!

Everyone loves a quitter, and with the Sam Snort Easy Way To Quit Quitting, there’s absolutely no will-power involved – you simply keep on smoking and drinking, without a care in the world, until you expire.

And, hey, we’ve all got to die sometime, right? Wrong! Coming soon: the Sam Snort Easy Way To Quit Dying, video and book. For details, write to Sam Snort, Snort Towers, Co. Dublin, Ireland, enclosing a cheque for £500 and (where applicable) a nude picture of your wife.