An old underworld mate of Sam’s recently turned himself over to the Feds and was immediately placed in a witness protection programme. Judge of his shock then when, within just a matter of days, he was fitted out in a crisp, clean white shirt, dark, immaculately creased pants and a pair of shiny shoes, driven to an unfamiliar suburban neigbourhood by his handler, and told to start knocking on doors.

The poor sap had been put in a Jehovah’s Witness Protection Programme. Har, and if you will, har.

All my own work that leetle gag, readers, and I trust you enjoyed it. Let’s face it, religion isn’t much good for anything – apart from starting wars, encouraging suicide bombers, exterminating entire civilizations and, to be fair, the odd bit of deluxe art – so at least we might as well knock a few laughs out of it, while we can. This is an especially germane thought at the moment what with the release of Mel Gibson’s biopic of De Lawd and Dubya’s plan to amend the US constitution to outlaw gay marriages.

Energetically Bumping
The latter piece of crude cynicism is just the kind of thing you would expect from a man who goes to the people with a bible in one hand and a ballot box in the other. Under the guise of doing God’s work, Bush is simply churning up the waters in advance of November’s election, hoping to capsize the boats of his opponents. It might work too, such is the obvious threat to the heartland posed by the knowledge that, at any given moment, somewhere in San Fran, there is a same-sex couple couple energetically humping, with a framed certificate over the bed proclaiming their credentials in law, as it were.
First, Osama and his flying bombs, then Saddam and his chemical and biological rockets and now the nightmare scenario – Jim and Bob smooching on the steps of the City Hall. And are those weapons of mass destruction or are they just happy to see each other? No wonder the bible-thumpers and number-crunchers in the White House are foaming at the mouth.
But if it’s one thing to pick on gays, it’s quite a different matter to pick on Jews, who have long been recognised as a powerful voting lobby in the States. That’s why Dubya, if he has the bad sense to say anything about it at all, will probably restrict himself to bland comment on Mel Gibson’s supposedly controversial take on the death of J. Christ.
My fellow theologian, the Right Irreverent Eamonn McCann, pretty much has this one nailed down (oops, I mean sown up) in his column this week, leaving me only to wonder at another deeply twisted characteristic of religious thinking – the phenomenon whereby people can still get worked up to the point of boiling rage over something which may or may not have happened, to someone who may or may not have existed, in a far away place, in the far distant past.
I’m reminded of the great Bill Hicks who, when criticised by people for banging on about the death of JFK (“Let it go, Bill, it’s 30 years ago, man”) liked to retort by asking them to stop banging on about JC: “I mean, if we’re talking shelf life…”.
As for The Passion Of The Christ, I haven’t seen it yet so please don’t tell me how it ends. However, I did see a trailer for the movie which ended with the line: “Coming soon.” Surely, I thought, this should read: “Second coming soon…” Once again, har, and if you will, har.

Recently Abducted
As a fully paid-up member of the 500 Club – that is, the small number of enlightened people on this island who described themselves as “atheist” in the last census – Sam has about as much time for serious debate about “God”, as he has for serious debate about the fairies who live at the bottom of the garden, the aliens who recently abducted poor Mr Byrne in number 42 and Uri fucking Geller.
Nevertheless, there is always a bit of fun to be had by taking some basic tenet of religion at face value, and turning its fantastic lack of logic back on itself. For example, I have extracted endless hours of entertainment by simply quoting a key line from ‘The Our Father’ – “And lead us not into temptation” – and then, all solemn and puzzled-looking, asking believers why on earth they have to beseech their ever-lovin’ God not to lead them into temptation.
I mean, it would make all the sense in the world if they were praying to me. Not that it would do them any good either, of course.

Your ever lovin’ Samuel J. Snort Esq